Every Comedian Needs to Write a Book

I am in the middle of a phase. Not a strange fashion phase where I only wear clothing made of mink (death to all minks! [Totally joking, PETA, don't send your assassins for me]) or a depressive, Gothic phase (that already happened). It is a literary phase, in fact, that initiated when I decided to listen to Amy Poehler's book Yes Please on CD in the car. Her book was amazing, and essentially changed my life. She shows her vulnerability in this lovely chronicle of her life, admits to mistakes she has made, relishes in the joys she has experienced (motherhood, her career, etc.), and shares emotions that we all feel constantly (celebrities feel insecure too?! WHAT!?), all while making the reader/listener laugh out loud throughout (unless the reader/listener has no sense of humor whatsoever). After the final words on the final CD sifted through the speakers, lingered for a moment in my mind and disappeared, I suddenly felt motivated to read another comedian biography.

Thankfully, there are many. So, this phase may endure for quite some time, making my brief Gothic phase seem like a mere blip on the radar of life (also, can someone tell me if Gothic is capitalized??). My next choice was actually my first choice, but they were out of it at Barnes And Noble (it should be Barnes N' Noble, in my opinion, it's a bit catchier. Whatever, they will probably go out of business soon. Not like I'm hoping for that). So I apologize to Amy Poehler- her book was my second choice after Tina Fey's Bossypants, only because everyone in my life ranted and raved about its unparalleled excellence on the hilarity scale.

I have to say, however, before moving on to the Bossypants reading experience, that I am so freaking happy that I read Yes Please because it re-motivated me to watch Parks and Recreation, the hilarious show in which Amy Poehler is the main character, from season 1 to 7 and I loved every second of my binge watching experience.

Anyways, I have to admit that reading Bossypants was an immensely enjoyable experience, I laughed so hard that it I attempted to read it while drinking the beverage would have shot through my nose (if that actually happens). To be honest though I wish I had gotten it on CD. Not that I am lazy, but I imagine hearing her actually read the words would have been fantastic, as it was in Amy Poehler's book.

Upon closing the back cover I once again felt that void that could only be filled by a book written by a comedian. Since I was watching Parks and Rec, I decided to check out Aziz Ansari's new book titled Modern Romance. I was taken aback at first noticing that it was not simply a comedian recalling life experiences or making observations about life but a research piece on how the dating world has changed so drastically over the recent years. I was irritated at first thinking that it would be like reading a dry research essay- I bought a comedian's book so I could LAUGH, damn it! But to my pleasant surprise, it was a gut buster as well as extremely informative. I closed the back cover literally minutes ago and loved every page. Another life changer.

What's next? Nick Offerman's book, of course!

Let's Go Skinny Dipping

Most authors must work hard to secure a spot on my list of beloved writers by showcasing their talents in at least two or three fantastic pieces of profound and captivating literature. Or, they can circumvent these criteria by writing something hilarious that quickly sets me of on a laughing fit so extreme that those around me would confuse it with a seizure, potentially leading to an unnecessary 9-1-1 call (and we know how the dispatchers LOVE those). Upon their arrival, I would be forced to awkwardly explain my inability to contain my reactions to good comedy writing. Okay, enough of that over the top scenario...

As I mentioned in a previous post, this looks more like an erotic adult novel. Don't be fooled. 

Using some kind of writing wizardry, Carl Hiaasen managed to bypass both criteria with his novel Skinny Dip. Yes, it is funny, but not the aforementioned, fit-inducing hilarity. It falls into the category of smart humor that makes you laugh like a buffoon in your mind while emitting only a reasonable, quiet chuckle. Sometimes the mere ridiculous nature of the plot is enough to make a smile spread across the reader's face.

Carl Hiaasen just emanates "funny guy"- I wouldn't mind hanging out with him!

Personally, I lack the patience to sit through seemingly endless introductions spanning multiple chapters while eagerly awaiting the start of the action. That is quite simply a waste of my oh-so-precious time. So when the first page of Hiaasen's novel transported me to the middle of the ocean where a woman was struggling to surface after being pushed off a cruise ship by her husband, my literary hunger was satiated. The rest of the novel chronicles Joey Perrone's (the woman pushed overboard) rescue by island-dweller Mick Stranahan and their subsequent plan to mess with her womanizing, scum-bag of a husband Chaz until he goes bat-sh** crazy. Chaz's personality is almost unbelievably atrocious at times. One shining example is his attempts to apologize to his mistress that he shot in the leg after she finds out about how he killed his wife. He begs and pleads like a helpless child, saying "Come on baby, I was crazy in the head!"


Hiaasen's talent in writing shines through most notably in the characters his words create. One such example is the bodyguard of his protagonist's slimy husband, a large, hairy, ape-like, alligator-eating fentanyl addict nicknamed Tool. Tool has done some bad things in life including stealing fentanyl from cancer patients. One such patient, Maureen, assists him during the course of the novel and convinces him to change his ways. One reason Hiaasen is such a successful character writer is that he incorporates their thoughts and unique speaking styles into his novel. It is exceptionally easy to imagine exactly how Tool speaks in lines of dialogue like in the following passage: "Tool gestured at the wooden cross. 'Least he was a 'husband, father, son, brother'- I ain't none a those things, Red. I got no wife and no family...one lousy cousin, he's up at Starke for robbin' a (expletive removed) laundry-mat." Laundry-mat!? That is genius!

I loved this book so much that I actually BOUGHT another one by Hiaasen: Sick Puppy. I already love it based on the title and cover. Yes, I judge books by their covers. Stay tuned for that review in a few weeks (it is in a queue of about six books).

Best Impulse Buy Yet

I spent 11 dollars on a book. With the technology available allowing today's reader to simply download the book for a fraction of a fraction of that cost or to buy the physical thing online for a fraction of the cost as well, that 11 dollars qualifies as an impulse buy. Therefore, I expected a lot from this reading experience- if I didn't start laughing embarrassingly loud on the first page, I would have stormed back into Target demanding a refund (and I certainly wouldn't want to burn any bridges with my beloved Target).

Honestly, I was just looking for a good time when purchasing this book, much like the sleazy, portly balding man at a bar desperately attempting to pick up chicks and eventually giving up and calling a cheap hooker. But then, at least in this analogy, he comes to realize that the hooker has a heart of gold and gives better advice than Dr. Phil (bad example- his advice is crap) and Dear Abby's love child (Dr. Abby?). Sorry this comparison is a bit abstract- in it, I am the creepy balding man perusing the book shelves looking for a serious read and caving in and picking up the Mindy Kaling book as a last resort just for fun. Yet, as I flipped through the pages, some turned out to be chalk full of fantastic, life-altering advice. Listed below, in no particular order, are the most prevalent pieces of advice that stuck with me like Gorilla glue (superglue's even more intense cousin).

1) Don't complain about stress- her words of shining wisdom: "I do not think stress is a legitimate topic of conversation, in public anyway. No one ever wants to hear how stressed out anyone else is, because most of the time everyone is stressed out. No one is going to say, "Wow, Mindy, you really have it especially bad. I have heard some stories of stress, but this just takes the cake." (Kaling, 75). Wow, I have not annotated anything like that since high school. See, your lessons stuck with me even if your name didn't, Mrs. High School English teacher! Let me begin by saying I love her use of italics to portray irony. Perfect. Immediately after reading this, I started thinking twice about when complaining.

2) Be comfortable in your body- Mindy shares anecdote after anecdote about her size. Though hardly notable when not under the scrutiny of society's magnifying glass, Kaling is a size 8 and was a chubby child, putting her at the mercy of bullies. Her complete comfort and confidence regarding her size are truly inspiring and make her a rare beacon of hope as a role model for girls today. She begins the book with explaining why she could never be thin, one of the reasons being she would lack the insulation to keep warm. That was one of my first laugh-out-loud moments in the book.

Mindy loves her size and is freaking gorgeous and confident

3) Date men, not boys- had I been drinking something while reading this section, it would have erupted out my nostrils (nice image, I know). Mostly because I know the difference first hand between dating the immature vs. the mature man, and Mindy captures the hilarity in it so perfectly. As Mindy accurately points out, "Men know what they want. Men make concrete plans. Men own alarm clocks. Men sleep on a mattress that isn't on the floor. Men tip generously. Men buy new shampoo instead of adding water to a nearly empty bottle of shampoo. Men go to the dentist..." (Kaling, 177). Okay, you get the point. All spot-on observations, Mindy!

Reading this book before bedtime tucked me in better than a Swiss au pere just shipped in from the old country. I greedily and eagerly gobbled up page after page before turning in and fell asleep content and dreaming of stories from Mindy's childhood and early days as a writer for The Office. The book I read prior more closely emulated a frightening, Russian butch woman. The thrilling contents of its page chronicling the events in a murder mystery were not exactly conducive of a good night's sleep. Thankfully, that all changed when my dear Mindy's words cradled me in their literary arms.

Ron Burgundy is Back!

Ron Burgundy and his news team back in action is a welcome premise- it's been so long since filmgoers last enjoyed their crazy, often politically-incorrect antics. Yes, Ron Burgandy is looking a bit aged in this second installment of the Anchorman films, but that may have been more prominent in my mind as I recently watched Elf, starring a much younger Will Farrell as its protagonist. Christina Applegate also looked a lot older albeit just as attractive as always.

I enjoyed the second part of Anchorman about as much as I expected to. When I read that its running time pans over a length of two hours, I felt that this was a bit excessive to say the least for that type of goofy, crass comedy. Turns out I was right- a good 20-30 minutes could have easily been shaved off with a 5-blade cinematic razor with no damage done to the plot. It could have easily gone without an entire, draggy and not-funny sub-plot about Ron, his wife and son raising a great white shark named Dobby (there is even a ridiculously unnecessary musical number pertaining to this storyline). 

Anyone who enjoyed the first film will, at least to some degree, enjoy the second. There is nothing particularly noteworthy or fantastic about this addition, but I did find myself laughing out loud at certain jokes and I appreciated the plot revolving around how news first became sensationalist and not really about the news. I thought it was creative to pinpoint the moment journalism stopped being about the news on the actions of Ron and his compadres. There are crude jokes, racist jokes, and some jokes that went right over my head. This movie provides that which it is expected to provide- a nice, lighthearted escape from the seriousness of our everyday lives. 

Some people really should not get perms...

No Need to Turn on the A/C

Unless you've seen Gilmore Girls, you're likely to equate Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Stewart in their one-dimmensional acting ability. Even while delivering a half-vampire baby which I assume hurts with or without an epidural, Stewart's face is a blank slate. I think Hell may freeze over the day Kristen Stewart expresses something other than nonchalance. I will be completely floored, as I'm sure will anyone used to the crude McCarthy using her weight to her comedic advantage if they watch her portrayal of Sookie St. James in Gilmore Girls. Sookie is a vivacious, generous, goofy and bubbly. And then there is Mullins, McCarthy's character in her latest flick, The Heat.

If you've seen Bridesmaids, The Hangover III (if you have, I'm really sorry), Identity Theif (also sorry) you are already well-acquainted with this character. Personally, the "haha she is overweight" thing never really did it for me. Her appeal in my mind stems from her little known ability to embrace varying roles. And as for Sandra Bullock... I've stopped having any expectations about her performances. I'm not sure how she agreed to partake in both The Blind Side and All About Steve within the same year. Maybe she owed a favor to the mob of horrible Hollywood films (you know, the angry Italians actively trying to ruin acting careers). Anyway, this role seemed somewhat beneath her, but she did an average job and looks really hot for her age.

This being a movie review, a summary must be in order. Okay, here goes:
Agent Ashburn (Bullock) is a snarky, over-confident FBI agent sent to Boston to work on a case regarding a drug dealer. She is forced to work with Mullins (McCarthy), the crude Boston cop who, to put it lightly, curses like a sailor. Naturally, they don't get along, but Ashburn is jonseing for a promotion and her only means of acquiring it is by showing she can work well with Mullins (I think you need a map to follow that reasoning). So they fight, and they catch the drug dealer guy, and then through all the turmoil become best friends. How utterly predictable.

Let's see if we meet all of the requirements to dub this a crude comedy with female leads:
-Fart jokes: check
-Excessive use of the F word: check
-An ongoing joke about McCarthy's weight: check, check, check
-Random, extremely unnecessary bloody scene: check
-Complete and utter failed attempt at a serious emotional scene where the characters bond: check

Also fun fact: Melissa McCarthy and Jenny McCarthy are cousins. Seriously.

Seriously this Time, it's the Apocalypse

Never in my life did I imagine a Seth Rogen movie would cause me to leave the theater desiring to lead a more Christian lifestyle. But when it was revealed to me that The Backstreet Boys and Segway rides await those entering Heaven, how could anyone not instantly opt to uphold the teachings of Christianity on the spot?

This is the End initially comes off as yet another of the countless apocalyptic plots involving zombies, vampires, or in this case, demons, that Hollywood has been cranking out at an exponential rate. And with identical plot lines coming at them from all directions like Cicadas emerging after 17 years underground, it's no surprise that moviegoers are increasingly skeptical to on-screen insights as to just what will finally take humanity out (my money is on the unstoppable spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria [there's an underdone cinematic plot for you]). Admittedly, I was one of those skeptics, yet as usual, Rotten Tomatoes certifying This is the End as "fresh" calmed my nerves like a good ol' Gin & Tonic after a 12-hour-shift.

I generally describe myself as the way-too-easily-annoyed audience member who unnecessarily glares at those laughing too loud during movies in a cynical attempt to bring them down to my level of not having such a good time. When did I turn green and try to steal Christmas from Who-ville? Anyways, during This is the End, it was my laugh attracting the begrudging stares. How's that for some good ol' fashioned irony? The plot is simple: a group of actors comprised of Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, James Franco, Jay Baruchel and Craig Robinson among others find themselves stuck together in a fight for survival during the apocalypse in which those of Good Will were beamed up to Heaven leaving them behind. There's brotherhood, angry British chicks accompanied by Harry Potter jokes, cannibalism, flying heads and demons appearing to have familial ties to Godzilla. What more could you want? Oh, right, a cameo by The Backstreet Boys. Yes, that's in there too.

Worth seeing in theaters? If you can get a student discount with an expired I.D. like me or if you can get to a matinee. Kid friendly? If you want to give them worse language than a heroin-dealing sailor and start asking what certain sexual terms mean, by all means.