Wanderlust

The plot of Wanderlust goes something like this: a hot couple living in New York City and loving it has to uproot due to sudden life changes and they find themselves among the peace-loving hippies of a commune in the middle of nowhere in Georgia. You've got Jennifer Anniston and Paul Rudd, the two actors who define "sexy young couple", and it is produced by Judd Apatow and written by David Wain, both of whom have been involved in the success of many raunchy comedies. What can go wrong, really, which such a dynamite combination? All I can really say is that sometimes a joke gets taken way too far, and sometimes there are some things that an audience does not really want to see. For example, I did not really want to experience the full-frontal nudity of a large, elderly gentleman. I do not think I am alone when I say that. His nudity was simply adding to the many, many other people that are stark naked throughout the film. And no, all you men out there, this does not include Miss Anniston.

I was a bit skeptical upon entering the theater to see Wanderlust. I knew it got mixed reviews, and mostly poor ones at that. However, I needed a good laugh and had already been to see a lot of what else was out. So, being the accepting individual that I am, I decided to give it a try. I admit that I was pleasantly surprised- the first hour or so of the movie was relatively funny (nothing to make me short of breath laughing, mind you, but all of the typical jokes in films like these are good for a hearty chuckle). Anniston's real-life boyfriend, Justin Theroux, impressed me with his acting- he certainly knows how to hilariously portray a hippie. Of course, the jokes in these films are nothing with much substance, but sometimes it is nice to see a film like that. We all need our escapes from the serious aspects of our lives.
As I said, I was amused for about the first hour of the film. However, my opinion turned on a dime when Wain took one joke WAY too far, to the point where I just felt completely awkward watching the events unfolding on screen. It was one of those scenes which drags on far longer than the audience wants it to. From then on, everything seemed like a complete miss, and I really just wanted it all to be over. I get all of the fuzzy-wuzzy emotional messages behind this film- we need to love and accept each other despite our differences, when we get stuck in a rut it's good to try new things and adventures, there are so many lifestyles in our world, etc etc. But I don't really care to see so much male genitalia, women giving birth on porches and nudists making wine along the way.

A Very Decent Year for the Oscars

Angelina needs to eat something lest she fade away, Natalie Portman has never looked sexier, and I am thrilled about the result of most of the coveted awards. Billy Crystal was hilarious in a simple way- not going over the top or trying too hard. He is a classy kind of comedian and I was much more entertained than I have been in previous years. I particularly enjoyed the video created by certain actors portraying the sample audience watching the Wizard of Oz- my gut was certainly busted.

As far as presenters go, I feel that everyone did a rather nice job. Except Angelina Jolie. I have never been more grossed out looking at such a skeletal being baring her skeletal leg on stage. In my oh-so-humble opinion, she did not look sexy at all- just gaunt and sickly. She needs some double-stuff Oreos dipped in peanut butter and deep fried, STAT! On the other hand, I thought that Natalie Portman looked sexy beyond words. I do have a tiny woman crush on her, but wow, what a woman.

As far as the Oscar winners, I have to say I was rather pleased with the results. The only one I was not too sure about was The Artist winning best picture. In my mind it was an exceptionally close race between that and Hugo. However, the two films combined won a good deal of awards, so I was happy about that.



Please eat something, Girl!

Houston: Part Two- The Suspense Ends Here!

I can just tell that all of you have been anxiously waiting in suspense, perched on the edge of your seats, after the way I ended that last post. I can imagine that it got to the point of affecting your daily lives, but have no fear, because part two of my trip is about to be revealed to you. I can sense the excitement from here. Okay, maybe I am being a bit dramatic, but it wouldn't be as fun otherwise if I didn't occasionally mess with my readers. To be honest, I have told most of my Houston tale at this point, but there is a bit more entertainment coming your way.

If I remember correctly, the last place I left off was at the end of the interview. Now, when I was asked to fly out for an interview, it was requested that I choose a return flight after 5 PM, as the interview process was designed to last until then. Therefore, deciding to play it safe, I skipped the 6 PM flight as I figured that would be cutting it close and I went with the 8:51 flight. First of all, why is there a flight that is scheduled to leave at 8:51? Why not just 8:50? Or, why not just play it safe at make it 9? That scheduling does not seem to follow any logic to me. Maybe I am just crazy. Well, of course, life decided to mess with me again and make it so the interviews were done at 2, and so I was at the airport by 3. If any of you have ever had the experience of waiting at the airport for over 5 hours, we should have a nice long complaining session about it over a glass of Merlot (or iced tea or soda for my underage readers, if I have any). 

I decided I should try to read or get some work done on the computer, but upon realizing that the Houston airport mercilessly teases travelers with only 45 minutes of free internet before having to pay some ridiculous amount, I went on over to an airport bar/restaurant. I was excited to be there; the ambiance was wonderful and the descriptions of food and drinks made my taste buds want to do a cartwheel. So, I sat down, introduced myself to bartender Craig, got out my Oscar Wilde, and ordered a drink. The food descriptions were unbelievably deceiving. The owners of that place certainly found a great writer to do the menu item captions, and I was rather disappointed. I ordered the "spicy tomato soup with homemade sharp cheddar croutons" and a side of garlic spinach. The soup was not spicy in any way, and clearly came out of a can, and the alleged croutons were simply bread slices with melted cheese on them. To make matters worse, they were out of the spinach, so they kindly asked if they could bring me something else instead. Having given up dessert for Lent, I went with the seasonal fruit and cheese plate, assuming that I would not be presented with the Mount Everest of cheese that would cause half the bar to bust a gut laughing. Essentially, I had to cart around about 5 pounds of gourmet cheese in a box while I waited for the flight, on the flight, in the DIA train, on the airport shuttle, and in my car. I am so sick of that cheese. Here is a nice visual for you:

How is this ever considered a normal portion of cheese??

Houston- definitely gave me something to blog about

I did not really become as well-acquainted with Houston as with other cities in my day- I had to stick close to the airport for my short stay and therefore was unable to venture out and let my inner-tourist out to annoy the locals. However, I can still say that it was an interesting time. I was rather excited as I boarded the plane that would bring me to yet another unknown destination, especially as I took note of the cowboy hats adorned by so many of the passengers returning home. The flight was decent; no turbulence that I thought would bring me to my death this time, and relatively amiable seat neighbors.

When I landed I got even more excited, and you can imagine I was like a little kid when I heard all of the accents spouting out a southern “y’all” every other word. Then came the cab ride to the hotel. Now, I have had horrendous cab drivers, if you recall from my Chicago experience, and some really friendly and cheerful ones as well. This particular driver did not fall into either category. Immediately upon our departure, I became (against my will, mind you) a therapist at his disposal for him to rant and rave about his boss to. This was not your run-of-the-mill kind of complaining, but more like a difficult-to-understand string of angry insults about his boss to which I merely responded “I understand”, and “wow, that sucks, I‘m sorry”, whenever he would let me interject at all.

Then he did a complete 180 and started talking about God, and how angry he was that one of his kids was not serving Him. He said that thankfully, three of them were, but one was not, and he refused to say anything more about the black sheep child. Even after being the great listener that I was he still screwed me over and passed the hotel intentionally. It is pretty obvious that he knew exactly where it was- this guy really needed to hone his acting skills when he pretended to be shocked that he missed the turn. His little “error” cost me an additional dollar or two. So, that came out of his tip. He loses out in the end.

I was happy to be in the hotel and was not going to let that guy get to me. The weather was phenomenal though I admit a bit muggy. So phenomenal, in fact, that I decided to try the outdoor pool only to the immediate shock of my lower body as I leapt into the shallow end, an action which resulted in a run on the treadmill instead. The hotel was nice, but I am pretty sure that there was no system whatsoever to clean and disinfect the workout machines, so that was rather repulsive, but I just had a good long shower to cleanse myself of I can’t imagine what kind of germs afterwards. Looking out my window, I realized that I was in a part of Houston where there is essentially nothing to do. Yet, my growling stomach reminded me painfully that it had been a good long time since I had eaten. So, I set out to see what there was as far as food venues along the street that appeared to be surrounded by nothing but hotels and gas stations.

I ended up dining alone at Subway, and then went to the hotel bar next door to my hotel (which was not cool enough to have a hotel bar). Has anyone ever said “hotel” more in one sentence? Anyways, I love that it is not awkward to sit alone and have a beer at a hotel bar because that is basically what everyone there does. I ended up chatting it up with the guy next to me who was there on business and then we parted our ways never to meet again. I watched Conan and then spent the next 8 hours attempting to sleep through the seemingly unsubsiding noises of cars whizzing past my windows, motorcycles which badly needed mufflers, and crying room neighbors. All I can say is at least I woke up to waffles shaped like Texas no one can be upset seeing that on their plate. Somehow, that made everything better. Stay tuned for part two of my Houston adventure!

I Thought I Was Going to Die Today

It started as a normal day- well, better than normal actually. The California sun was peeking gently through the shades and I arose to the smell of waffles and poached eggs for breakfast. After consuming the tasty treat, I had a refreshing run through the neighborhood and then headed off to the airport.

Despite text messages throughout the day from my friend in Boulder that the wind was absolutely insane to the point of blowing over trucks, I did not think it would have such a drastic impact on my day. I was in error to think that. The poor little planes just trying to do their job and land in Denver were having an awful time, and therefore delayed my flight scheduled for 3:45 to 4:55. This delay, though it gave me time to people-watch and catch up with essentially most of the contacts in my phone, was far from desirable.

Being put in a less-than-pleasant mood by all of this, I was only more angered by the two girls that I considered at that point to be the worst seat-neighbors I had ever had on a plane. That is saying a lot considering the amount I fly. I have really had it all, but these girls were two twenty-somethings whose vocabulary consisted of the word "like", the phrase "oh my God", and others that can be heard on any MTV reality show. I thought I was going to lose my mind as I listened to one of them talk about how, like, she met the cutest guy who was like totally in LOVE with her, but like, not LOVE love, ya know, just like, really like! My iPod headphones, try as they might, never had a chance of drowning them out.

I felt relief wash over me and my headache begin to subside when the pilot announced our initial descent into Denver. However, these feelings quickly changed to terror when the plane was thrown into the worst turbulence I have ever experienced. The entire plane jolted from side to side and it felt like my stomach was in my throat at each intense rapid drop of elevation. I was sweating like a pig and as I looked around I could see that all the other passengers were as white-faced as I. I felt awful about judging the girls beside me as the one to my immediate left tried to comfort me and asked if I was alright. I told her I was rather nervous and she held onto my arm. It was really nice to have that connection, especially when I felt like I was going to die.

Thankfully, all ended well and now I am here to write about it, but I cannot remember the last time I felt such terror, and yet such relief at human connections.

What do the Bad Guys do When They get Home?

The other day, I was enjoying the classic film One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with my grandparents. Aside from noticing that Jack Nicholson was quite attractive in his younger days, I also could not help asking myself about nurse Ratchett's life outside of the asylum. I just cannot really even imagine what she must be doing when she goes home at night. She is so incredibly evil that I can't see her having a normal, functional life upon exiting the ward. But, who knows? Even villans have their hobbies I suppose. Maybe she is married and goes home to manipulate her husband and make him miserable. Or maybe she just sits alone in the dark brainstorming new ways to make her patients miserable. But on the other end of the spectrum, it could be a completely ironic situation where she just goes home, cooks dinner and watches the latest sitcom on TV before taking a nice warm bath and going to bed.

This whole idea in itself could be a popular spin-off series based on the film. I can see it now- every episode would begin with her leaving the asylum for the evening while the opening credits scrolled and some quirky, Seinfeld-style music played in the background. Oh, the silly situations she would get into! All I need is a catchy name for the show... any ideas?

Overseas Drinking Age?

I am writing this on a plane. How cool is that? Not all that interesting, I guess, seeing as how I will need to wait until I land and have internet access to post this. Anyways, being on a plane always gives me a little too much time to think, thus giving random thoughts all-too-easy access to enter into my mind. At this moment, I am waiting for the flight attendant to come by so I can order a glass of wine. Well, I guess technically it will be a plastic cup of wine, but I say it’s the concept of me ordering alcohol on a plane that counts. I do not know why I am so excited to do so.

Now, the thing I am wondering is what is the drinking age on international flights? If I were 18 and flying from New York to Germany, would I be allowed to order an alcoholic beverage? Does it depend on where the airline is based? Or is there some sort of imaginary line drawn over the ocean which divides the 18 drinking age from the 21 drinking age? Maybe no one actually thinks about random stuff like this except me. Next time I am on an international flight, I am definitely going to ask about this scenario. Not like it affects me anymore, though, seeing as how I am at an age where I can drink in any country as far as I know.

Alright, it has been like 30 minutes and the flight attendant has still not come by! What does a person have to do to get a nice Merlot around here? Just kidding. Wow, this post is spastic. I should just end it now…but I’m not going to, because I just had another random thought.

This next thought is nothing new, I have always been bothered by it personally, but maybe it is just me. Does anyone else get annoyed by bad grammar in song lyrics? I have previously posted about a rap song, where the grammatical offender states that “ain’t nobody list’nin to ma’ mix tape!”. What kind of a sentence is that? Does anyone even know what it means? Now, rap lyrics are pretty bad on this scale, but we all know that the worst offender is country. The particular song which bothered me to the point of wanting to write about it was the song “Chicken Fried”. Don’t get me wrong, I really love this song, it is definitely the kind of music I want to click my heels to, but I cannot stand it when he sings “a pair of jeans that fit just right”. I don’t know why this statement rubs me the wrong way so much. It is not even a big deal; it almost sounds better that way. But it should be “a pair of jeans that fits just right”, because it is a PAIR of jeans, which is a singular subject. Wow, I am a freak. Ok, officially cutting off my wandering mind now! And no, I cannot give you back the time that you spent reading this. Sorry!

Diamonds DO tend to cause issues...

They are dramatic little gems that can make people do crazy things- get down on one knee, hold up a jewlery store and make us listen to countless amounts of Shane Co and Zales commercials. In this case it is all the fault of a single diamond that Nick Cassidy was forced to stand on the ledge of a building for the entire 1 hour and 40 minute running time of the film, oh-so-creatively titled Man on a Ledge.

It's difficult for me to know where to begin when reviewing this film. It starts with a sequence of flashbacks so that the audience is not left completely in the dark as to how the whole being on a ledge thing started. These flashbacks indicated that he has been sentenced to 25 years in prision, went to his dad's funeral and then got in a couple of fights with cops and miraculously survived being hit by a train. Now he's on a ledge. But WHY?? I know you are all dying to know. But don't worry, over the course of the movie, he will tell you all about it.
The story drips out bit by bit through his conversations with Officer Mercer (Elizabeth Banks) who is the sassy, hostage negotiator that isn't afraid to ruffle some tailfeathers on the force. She learns of his intentions and that some crooked cops actually set him up for stealing a 40million dollar diamond from some bigshot businesman who needed a little more money. She begins to believe in him and its a race to the finish as she tries to prolong the situation and the other cops from shooting Cassidy. Meanwhile, Cassidy is waiting for his brother and his wife to break into the business across the street to steal the diamond proving his innocence in time.

The plot builds like an M80 and once the fuse goes out it explodes with everythign happening all at once. However, just like an M80, after the climanx, there is just a bunch of bits everywhere that the movie seems to just sweep up and put right into the trash as plotholes and happily every after solutions seem to lull the crowd into a happy but confused closure which makes for a good car ride home.

Haywire- What's With the Cornrows?

This is one of the many questions raised by this film- I will describe in more detail a couple of paragraphs down. Another head scratcher is why they felt the need to cast a women’s professional fighter in the lead role. This would have made sense if they did more realistic fight scenes, but they were so incredulous that they might as well have hired someone with a bit more acting ability. I feel mean judging Gina Carano, who played Mallory, the protagonist of the story, but she had a very monotone voice and not all that much emotion. She was definitely hot though.

Okay, here is another question that I feel the need to throw out there- what is with the sudden appearance of Channing Tatum everywhere I look? I walk into the theater and there is a poster for The Vow featuring him being all pensive and emotional, and right next to it is a cardboard cutout of him for the film 21 Jump Street, and then I go in to see Haywire and he is there yet again, being all broody. Man, that guy is busy! Channing Tatum overdose! Teenage girls rejoice!

Okay, back on track now: the cornrows thing. There was a scene where Mallory is trying to set up the bad guys (it was really unclear as to who was bad and who wasn’t, I might add- if anyone knows about the affiliation of the Michael Douglass character, please enlighten me) and tries to make herself look all stealthy. When she reveals herself to them, she has these weird cornrows and creepy makeup that basically make it look like she took a face plant into an ashtray or put her face too close to a grill. A scene later which we are supposed to believe happened immediately after the cornrow-ambush scene, her hair is miraculously straight again. Then, the next scene, the cornrows show up again! How confusing! Is she doing this herself, or does she have a secret cornrow professional following her around? If she does them herself that quickly, I am impressed…

Anyways, all of that aside the film was alright. It was somewhat watchable and entertaining, but extremely confusing at times and I failed to see a real point to the plot. Maybe it was just to make another action movie with a kick-ass female lead, and give Channing Tatum something to keep him busy.

Madonna's a Bit too Old for That...

I cannot tell you how many times I thought that during the Superbowl halftime show. I just felt uneasy watching her perform, especially since she was wearing those beastly heels. I guess when you are at the age where it's necessary to have five men assist you in doing a cartwheel, it means you probably should not be doing one. General rule of thumb, perhaps. Also, I loved the lack of effort trying to make it seem like she was actually singing. I mean, she might as well have announced to the world "why yes, I AM lip-syncing!". I do not want to be too hard on Madonna, I mean I personally like her music, but I just could not get into the show. I was too worried about her falling and breaking something. She does, of course, look great for her age but in this time of Botox, Botox and more Botox, what celebrity doesn't look amazing in their 50s? The theatrics of the show were impressive, but I was a little creeped out by some of the guy dancers, particularly the one on the tightrope who looked like Bob Ross and was jumping around for some unknown reason.

As for the game itself... not to gloat, but I once again predicted the winner... no big deal. I do wish that people would get off of Tom Brady and Eli Manning's cases, I mean who really knows what they are like in real life and who really cares all that much? People sort of need to get over it and just watch the game, I think. The Giants deserved to win with the way they played- I was happy for them. Lots of good plays, and I was certainly perched on the edge of my seat by the end. The winning touchdown was absolutely hilarious as well; falling backwards to make a touchdown?? Good stuff.

The commercials were not too thrilling in my opinion. I was even less impressed by the movie trailers. I really wanted the one for the new Batman movie to air, and I was disappointed. I did chuckle at some of the ads, of course, but none of them really blew me out of the water. Also, I do not recall ever having seen so many car commercials in a row before.

Never Been Kissed

A cute movie that really makes you question the 1990s school system. Yes, I know it is a movie, but come on. For those of you who have not seen it, Drew Barrymore plays an undercover journalist disguised as a high school student and eventually ends up falling for one of the teachers. Now, the first question this begs is how exactly she was enrolled in the school. I am pretty sure that admissions employees would notice if someone at least 25 years old tried to pass as though they were 17. Even if they could not tell just by looking at her, I'd hope they would at least ask for the birth certificates of prospective students.

Even more absurd is when Drew Barrymore's older brother decides that he wants to take a page from her book and enroll as well. So, now we have an even older person pretending to be in high school and enrolling halfway through the semester to boot. I am just really concerned about the school that these two are attending at this point. I was also questioning how the entire student body did not even seem the slightest bit surprised when Drew announced to all of them that she was 25 and undercover. Granted, a couple of the students in the background of the scene seemed slightly intrigued, but I feel I can safely say that an announcement like that would cause just a bit more commotion...

The whole scenario was just awkward in general to observe. Especially when Drew Barrymore's teacher asked her to dance at the highschool prom. If you are going to be a creepy perv teacher and try to get with a student, I would hope you would not do it openly for all to see at an event like prom. Which leads me to yet another question, why does NO ONE at the prom, administrative or otherwise, notice their weird relationship going on? Like I said, that school really needs to be checked out by the board of education. Creepy stuff going on there...


How is no one questioning this??

Demetri Martin likes Cold Places

Hence why he chose Boulder to visit. And lucky for him, it was snowing during the show. Not so lucky for those of us having to drive home afterwards. Anyways, the show was absolutely everything one would want from a Demetri Martin show- hilarious, and just a little bit awkward. His opener was Levi MacDougall and he was pretty funny, but a little bit hit or miss- he had a strange sense of humor. I did like him overall, one of his best jokes was about how he was from Canada and having issues adjusting to our temperature here in the states- "it's so fareinheighty!".

I truly enjoyed Demetri Martin's preformance style. He takes time out of his show to ask the audience if there is anything particular they want him to talk about. I liked that, it made the show a lot more personable- would have been nice if half of the audience would be a little less moronic. The "awkward" part of the show happened when an obnoxious girl behind Christine and I screamed "please sign my poster!!!" when Demetri was asking us if we wanted him to talk about anything. He said he would gladly do so after the show, but she obnoxiously insisted that he sign it right at that moment. So, he reluctantly let her come on stage and said that he would do so as long as he could give her a brief interview. It was kind of painful to watch- she was a highschool student and every question he asked her she got really nervous and gave one word answers. I think if you are going to annoy a professional comedian, you should at least be entertaining.

Anyways, that awkward situation and various technical issues aside, the show really was amazing and my stomach hurt from laughing so hard. He had a ton of new material and threw in some old jokes as well. One of my favorite of his new jokes was that "people think that their pets are way more into Halloween than they actually are". Ha! So true...

It's Groundhog Day!

Well, it will be in a couple of hours! And, to properly prepare you for the exciting day where we trust a rodent to predict the weather instead of the television meteorologists, I have decided to do a special post where I tell you more about the history of this quirky celebration. In my family, this holiday means a special screening of the classic Bill Murray comedy Groundhog Day. If you have not seen it, I can tell you that you are truly missing out! It really is one of his best films; right up there with Lost in Translation. Different cinematic styles, of course, but both high-quality.

Groundhog Day, an event perhaps most widely celebrated in Punxsutawney, PA, occurs every February 2nd. If the groundhog emerges from his hole and sees his shadow, it signifies that winter will be elongated by 6 weeks. Now, here in Boulder we are supposed to get up to a foot of snow tomorrow, so I am going to go ahead and predict the prediction of Punxsutawney Phil (the famous groundhog in PA)- 6 more weeks of winter. I hope the little guy says otherwise.

Wikipedia tells me that the tradition began as a Pennsylvania German tradition in the 18th and 19th centuries. The origins of the celebration come from ancient Europe lore which claimed that a badger or a bear could forsee the weather. There is an early American reference to the holiday written by James Morris in 1841. He called the holiday Candlemas day, and he noted in his diary that, according the the Germans, "the Groundhog peeps out of his winter quarters and if he sees his shadow he pops back for another six weeks nap, but if the day be cloudy he remains out, as the weather is to be moderate".

I hope you enjoyed that little lesson! To conclude, a picture of a groundhog, just because they are adorable:

AWWW so cute!