Blue Lawn Chair

Apparently, I care about lawn chairs.
I’ve always known that I typically give inanimate objects personalities and feelings. The “As-is” section at IKEA (what is with that name? There doesn’t need to be a hyphen between “as” and “is.” Also, if they are going to do that, why is “is” not capitalized?? Or is that their attempt at trying to be charming and show they are based in a place where English is not the first language?) depresses me like you couldn’t believe. Sad, friendless, broken items longing to be chosen by those passing through, often times dealing with the shoppers’ mockeries.
 
Okay, call me crazy. Whatever. I’ll accept it.
 
When last in Minnesota, I stayed with relatives who live in a house with a lovely backyard leading to a lake with a dock. One day during my trip, someone placed two blue plastic lawn chairs on the aforementioned dock. That evening (or maybe it was the next? It really doesn’t matter in the grand scheme of this story) the weather took a turn for the worse; heavy winds, a deluge of rain, and a tornado of death, Wizard of Oz style (maybe I am being a bit dramatic…except for the wind). So, this torrential wind blew one of the two blue plastic lawn chairs into the lake.
 
There it sat, all day. I couldn’t help but think of the poor, abandoned lawn chair ending up like the items in IKEA’s “As-is” section (GAH! Just capitalize “is” and remove the hyphen!). All alone, insults from even the broken and discarded IKEA items pummeling it from all angles in Swedish, mocking the blue lawn chair for being a lame American item wanted by no one.
 
By the second day, the lake even decided it didn’t want Blue Lawn Chair in its waters and had pushed it to the most muck and algae-ridden part of the lake. Enough was enough. I stood up on the dock in my swimsuit and declared (to no one, but out loud) “I’m going in!” And in I went. I cannot adequately describe the revolting, stomach-churning feeling of swimming through and attempting to stand in the thick, mucus-like algae and who knows what else in which Blue Lawn Chair had ended up. All I can say is I felt submerged in some radioactive waste, surely full of disgusting parasites and leeches, conforming around my body, giving me some horrific super power like being able to pop my eyes out and juggle them. Absolutely purposeless except maybe as a weird party trick.
 
I grabbed Blue with one arm, determined to evade my demise as the eyeball juggler, but equally determined to get Blue (new nickname) back on the dock. The rigid plastic edges of the chair scraped my arms and legs, and I struggled to get Blue onto my back, carrying him (or her??) to safety like a drowning child. Eventually, I made my way back, thrust Blue onto the dock, and climbed up myself. I noticed cuts on my legs that later would be surrounded by bruises. But it was worth it to get Blue reacquainted with Other Blue Lawn Chair. I sighed with relief, proud of my efforts.
 
Then, the wind blew an innertube left on the dock into the lake. I declared, with less gusto and again to no one, “I’m going in.”

The Secret To Fishing

Breaking news for all you fishermen and women out there: you've been fishing wrong this whole time. Last summer while vacationing in Minnesota, I discovered the key to catching fish every time you set out to do so. Do I have you hooked? There's a little fishing humor for ya...

In Minnesota, there are many species of fish that people attempt to catch with fancy rods, bait, lures... the works. Some take to the lake to catch walleyes, whereas some have the goal of hooking the elusive northern pike. Yeah, I know my midwestern fish species, big whoop, wanna fight about it?

Since I first began to fish all the way until last summer during my time in Minnesota, I would go out on the boat, rod in hand, dreaming of catching a giant fish. I'd take the monster off the hook and hold it up proudly like fishermen do in pictures. I went a little crazy trying to achieve this dream, as no walleyes nor pikes nor anything really seemed interested in my bait. We would often spend hours casting and casting only to return to land empty handed. Of course, my relatives always caught one or two eventually, but it always seemed to take a long time and a good deal of trial and error trying to find the part of the lake in which the fish were lurking.

Seldom catching any fish, and never the kind I wanted, weighed heavily on me and I felt shrouded in disappointment. One day on my recent trip, my little cousins were fishing off the dock and seemed to be catching fish after fish. Granted, these weren't ones that would be considered impressive by any stretch of the imagination, but still, they experienced the thrill of constantly reeling in fish. I decided to give it a try.

This method immediately made fishing enjoyable. Because of the relatively shallow water, I could actually see the fish I intended to catch. Cheating? Maybe, but super awesome. So the key to constantly catching fish, albeit tiny ones, is to just fish for the ones no one wants! You're welcome for sharing the key to making fishing the most fun and successful hobby you can imagine.

My giant catch!