Ethereal Etihad

I am crazy. People have told me that because of prior decisions I've made and I really started to believe it about halfway through my three-part flight from Bangkok to Christchurch, New Zealand which began with a seven-hour flight to Abu Dhabi in the United Arab Emirates followed by a 22-hour layover.

The airline with which we flew made the painfully-long flight much more bearable. Being my first flight with Etihad Air, I had no idea what to expect. Thus, imagine my pleasant surprise when the seats I assumed to be Business Class turned out to be our Economy ones. The seats were noticeably larger than those on other planes, we were given a little "sleep well" packet with earplugs, a toothbrush and toothpaste, noise-cancelling headphones, and the widest selection of in-flight entertainment I had ever seen in my life. The real thing that put the service over the edge was the eye masks provided. One side of it said "do not disturb," and the other said "wake me up to eat." That is genius. The built-in tray even had various options. You could fold it down halfway for just drinks, pull out the cup holder next to the drink screen, or fold out the tray all the way for larger projects or meals.

The flight attendants were gorgeous and impeccably dressed, of course, and provided sensational service with only a light dose of sass on the side. They passed out menus with dining options and a list of the available beverages which included top shelf alcohol and fine wines and beers. After the safety video, the pilot came over the PA and announced that he would be dimming the cabin lights, which then transformed to dim lights of changing colors, giving the plane's interior a rather "party bus" feel.

Yes, Etihad was fantastic on the two out of three legs of the journey during which we used them. The only negative aspect disguised as a luxury was that the seats reclined incredibly far. This would be nice in theory for anyone able to sleep in an overly-reclined-airplane-seat position (a very specific sleep position), bot not for someone like me who prefers to sleep leaning forward with her head on the tray. When the seat in front of me was all the way back, placing my head on a tray was impossible. That's not to say I didn't crane my neck in ridiculous ways in an attempt to do so anyways.

NOT POSSIBLE!!

He's mastered it

Another complaint has nothing to do with the crew or company, but with a rather.... charming... passenger. Starting during the meal portion of the flight and heading well into the designated sleeping part of the flight, one rather large and boisterous man was leaning on my seat and standing in the aisle while loudly speaking Farsi to another passenger. The flight attendants were getting quickly irritated as he couldn't even be bothered to move his big bum even an inch as they tried to move past to do their job. So that was fun. Oh wait...no, it really wasn't.

I was considering coupling this blog with my reflections on the Middle East, specifically their airport security and customs, but I love leaving you curious and this blog is a novel already, so hold your horses.

My only question now is... what does their first class look like??

Flying on Friday the 13th

My day last Friday did not go according to plan. However, it did not go as poorly as a Friday the 13th can go theoretically, at least for one who is superstitious. I am not sure if I consider it a victory or a disaster. I guess we will go with victory to seem optimistic even though I can sometimes be a "glass-half-empty" kind of gal. My plan initially was to fly out to Denver at 10:20 PM and land around 11:45 (love those time changes, except on the way back). However, someone advised me to check on the flight status because of the weather which was causing a number of delays and cancellations. So, as instructed, I called United, and asked the agent in a somewhat frantic voice if there were any earlier flights on which she could put me. She said my only option was the last remaining seat on a flight leaving in about an hour from an airport that takes about 45 minutes to get to. I told her to change my ticket. I had not packed, and had not intended to for at least another two hours, so I threw some random useless belongings into a bag and headed off, only to realize once I arrived at the Denver airport how many important things I forgot.

I got a ride from my cousin who got me there faster than a flying cheetah on meth, if they were to exist. I literally RAN in my wedge shoes because I did not realize how far away everything is in Dulles- security is like 40 minutes away form check-in, if you walked at a leisurely pace. So I ran as fast as humanly possible, attracting awkward look after awkward look. When I arrived at security, I was pleased to find a relatively short line, but was the opposite of pleased when the TSA agent stopped me for a random "hand screening." I pouted like a little kid, informing him that my flight boarded in 10 minutes. He felt guilty and let me go through the TSA Pre check line. Apparently, throwing a fit works sometimes. I wish I had known that as a kid.

So, here is a little side note: the TSA Pre check line is the most magical place after Disneyland, easily. You don't have to take off your shoes or coat, don't have to take out liquids or laptops- all you do is walk through and you're DONE. It makes plane travel almost pleasant again. Key word: almost. So, after my mad dash to the gate, I discovered that my flight was delayed another 30 minutes. Dandy. At least it gave me time to chow down a burrito.

So, now begins the bad luck. After boarding, the captain informed us that the plane was in a massive line of planes waiting to depart, and that we would be waiting at least 20 more minutes. As I groaned about this to my seat neighbor, he reminded me that I was not even supposed to be at the airport for another three hours. Well said, seat neighbor, well said. He ended up being a fantastic seat neighbor. We played this game where we went through every page of Sky Mall and picked which item we would buy. Fun fun fun....

So, I got through the day without a single black cat crossing my path, I didn't walk under a ladder, and the plane didn't crash. Victory, indeed!

Fear of Flying

Despite how much I do it, I am still beyond terrified of plane travel. The slightest bump and I instantly panic and brace myself for the end as my life flashes before my eyes like an emotional graduation slideshow. My aerospace engineers have tried to explain turbulence to me in "simple" terms (or, at least what they consider to be simple terms...). They have equated it to driving over a pothole. I've looked up online how planes fly. The unnatural idea that a gigantic metal vessel can physically fly through the air still completely unnerves me. I always try to remember the words of a former seat neighbor of mine when he tried to calm me down during a turbulent flight: "do you think the pilot WANTS the plane to crash?? No!" Such words of wisdom. It's not like turbulence is a harmless thing, either. In the news about a month ago there was a story about a United flight that experienced such intense turbulence that a woman was thrown from her seat and cracked the ceiling with her head. What??

This may as well be written in Chinese

Let's be honest, dying in a plane crash would have to be the worst way to go. The pre-death anxiety and the long, drawn out process of falling from such an altitude could probably induce a heart attack (at least things would end that way before hitting the ground). Dying next to strangers would make the whole thing exponentially worse- at least if you were traveling with friends and family you would be dying in good company and could commiserate about all the things you wish you'd done in your life that was cut way too short, or make any confessions that were plaguing your conscience. Although you would probably become fast friends with a stranger beside you if you both knew it was the end.

It doesn't help that a Malaysia Airlines plane went missing a few days ago, carrying 239 passengers and crew all assumed to be dead unless other evidence presents itself, making it the deadliest crash in 13 years. What positive news to read right before embarking on a 16 hour flight to India! I mean, this plane DISAPPEARED. No trace! That's not only terrifying, but creepy as well. The only thing that would make a plane crash worse would be if it were caused by some sort of foul play like terrorists or alien abductions. I don't want my life to end in some sort of Amelia Earhart, Bermuda triangle scenario leaving everyone wondering about my death and causing investigative reporters to make a 60 Minutes special about the lost United Airlines flight to New Delhi in 2014.

So, T-minus four days until I leave, and this is my larges apprehension once I leave. Only once I have made it from the gate in the USA to the gate in New Dehli will I heave a sigh of relief. 

A Different Perspective

Guilty as charged: I am one of those reserved people emanating an unwelcoming aura screaming "LEAVE ME IN PEACE" when sitting in my seat on a plane. Or I thought I was, at least. That was until a recent flight and one of the most chatty seat neighbors I've ever experienced in my life. I can't tell you his name because he never told me and was never silent long enough for me to ask, but I can tell you just about every other detail of his long, eventful life.

I will never forget the first words that seat neighbor man spoke to me as he plopped down beside me: "well, one sardine can to the next I guess!" He was referring to the lack of space in modern airplane seating, of course, and to the fact that this was a continuation of the first leg of his trip. I can't even fathom the look that must have befallen my face but I know it must have portrayed anger, irritation, or some attractive combo of the two unpleasant emotions. Somehow I forged a smile, or at least a fraction of one, in the hopes that this gesture would be friendly but not so friendly it would encourage further interaction. The smile must have been more inviting than intended, as he then plunged into his life story, starting with informing me of his occupation as an elderberry farmer and listing the health benefits of the under-appreciated berry (his words). Prior to elderberries, he raised sheep- a very specific breed of sheep that did not require shearing (he then explained to me how many different breeds there are and their varying textures of fur/hair).

About an hour into the flight put us around an hour into his life story. At this point I learned that he was dressed in a full suit as he was en route to his sister's funeral. She lived just outside San Jose where he lived briefly himself while stationed at an air force base there. He met his first wife with whom he had two children but married her too young and they divorced. He met his second wife at a high school reunion and whisked her off her feet in a whirlwind dance. She worked as a teacher but traveled with him when he was deployed. They lived in Japan where they adopted two children, one of whom died in her forties due to poor diet leading to diabetes. They then lived in Greece, his favorite spot.

At this point, the plane hit a spot of turbulence and I gripped the tiny armrests so hard my knuckles whitened. This jarred my seat neighbor from his anecdote of the moment and he shifted his efforts to attempting to calm me down. "Young lady, do you think this pilot WANTS to die? No, he doesn't, and he is going to do his best to get us out of this. You know how turbulence works?" Then he was off and running with a full-on explanation of the physics of turbulence followed by stories of frightening flying maneuvers he experience in the air force.

At one point, he expressed to me how truly grateful he was to live his life exactly as he did- married to the love of his life (the second time), living where he lived all around the world, and as a recent Mormon convert. He then informed me how blessed he felt that he was "only shot at once, and they missed." What a great perspective on life! It forced me to think about my cushy life during which, I can gladly say, I have NEVER been shot at.

The joys of air travel!