Oscar Predictions

I could not care one iota less when it comes to the majority of televised sporting events, but when it comes to the Academy Awards, I quickly morph into the equivalent of the face and body-painted over-the-top fan waving a flag in one hand saying "(insert sexy athlete here) HAVE MY BABY" and pointing a foam finger obnoxiously in my neighbor's face.

Best  Picture:
Should Win: Although I felt that Nebraska was charming and artsy (it was entirely in black and white) and funny, it did not "wow" me enough to be a best picture winner. The Wolf of Wall Street, though crude and extremely long, embodied great film making from every perspective, in my oh-so-humble opinion.

Will Probably Win: 12 Years A Slave will win as another attempt to "make up for the past."

Best Actor:
Should Win: Leonardo DiCaprio all the way. His portrayal of Jordan Belfort bolstered his already impressive acting ability even further. He made me want to reach right through the silver screen and strangle him myself while simultaneously evoking pity. How does one even do that? Plus, we got to see his butt, so that's a plus (for us heterosexual ladies, anyhow).

Will Probably Win: This is between Christian Bale for American Hustle and Matthew McConaughey in Dallas Buyer's Club because they both underwent dramatic changes in their appearances for their respective roles. If I had to predict one winner, however, as only one can win, it would be McConaughey because he lost weight for his role where he appears rather emaciated and Bale simply had to pack on the pounds. As we all know, losing weight is far harder than gaining weight as I'm sure that while Bale was shoveling down a dozen Krispy Kremes washed down with Oreo milkshakes, McConaughey was drinking 8 ounces of raw, organic kale juice every day for a month. Then again, Chiwetel Ejiofor has a good chance to win too for his role in 12 Years a Slave because the Academy is likely guilt-ridden for the slavery/segregation. So, basically we will find out what trumps what: wright loss/gain for a role, or white people feeling guilty for the past.

I'm not sure which of the following images is freakier:

Best Actress: 
Should Win: Cate Blanchett. No contest. Although, "contest" essentially defines the Academy Awards but whatever. In Woody Allen's latest, Blue Jasmine, she played a neurotic character and redefined what it means to be on the verge of a mental breakdown (eventually being dead center of said breakdown). I pitied her, I laughed in her face when her "Xanax wasn't working" and I marveled at her stellar acting that she didn't have to gain or lose weight to accomplish.

Will Probably Win: Well, Meryl Streep has taken home the little golden statue enough times but they'll probably give it to her again anyway. Her or Amy Adams, just because it is a feat to marvel at that she has been in such a massive amount of movies in such a short period of time. I swear she has a Hermione-style time turner. Plus, she showed a lot of side-boob in American Hustle and spoke with a convincing British accent so I'm sure those could earn her an Oscar.

Best Supporting Actor:
Should Win: As much as I loved Jonah Hill as a weirdo quaalude addict with very obvious veneers married to his cousin in The Wolf of Wall Street, I want Michael Fassbender to win. His preformances have been overlooked far too many times and even though I did not actually see 12 Years a Slave, I assume it was the same caliber acting job as the rest.

Will Probably Win: Barkhad Abdi from Captain Phillips because he is the underdog contender from Somalia and it would make one of those feel good, rags to riches tales that we all love if he were to win. Or Jared Leto because he dressed up as a woman and lost a ton of weight for his role in Dallas Buyer's Club.

Best Supporting Actress:
Should Win: Ok, I know she JUST won last year, but Jennifer Lawrence blew me away in American Hustle. She was funny and evil and just perfect. I also adored June Squibb from Nebraska as the crude little old lady. Somehow, I found it gut-wrenchingly hilarious to hear the C word and other expletives emanating out of the mouth of such an adorable little grandma-looking lady.

Can you imagine this adorable lady swearing??

Probably Will Win: Lupita Nyong'o from 12 Years a Slave. See my reasoning for best supporting actor (except she is Kenyan, not Somalian).

Best Animated Feature:
Should Win: The Wind Rises. Not only am I madly, and I mean MADLY in love with Hayao Miyazaki (seriously, I would pull an Anna Nicole Smith and marry the guy but it wouldn't even be for the money- strictly for love), but this is his last film, so he won't even have another opportunity. The Wind Rises, about a young aeronautical engineer, is touching, charming, and visually invigorating.

So deserving I can't stand it

Probably Will Win: Frozen. It is a Disney movie that got a lot of hype. Enough said. Or, it could go the opposite direction and be Ernest & Celestine because it is foreign and the Academy likes those.

Okay, this blog is getting long and there are still far too many categories to predict. My cinematic tea leaves/crystal ball are getting tired. So, anything that is about cinematography or special effects should go to Gravity or The Hobbit. The rest, we will just have to see. And full disclosure: I did not see any of the documentaries or foreign films. I'm most excited to see Ellen host!

Academy Award Rant 1 (Trust me, there will be more...)

Alright, it's time we had a good little chat about the Academy Award nominees for this year. Actually no, one of the things I like best about the blog-o-sphere (or is that one word? Not too familiar with the etymology of that one) is that my opinions reign supreme. True, there is the "comment" option for all you readers subjected to my ideas with which you may disagree. However, my role as blogger monarch instills in me the power to veto or ignore any comment that rubs me the wrong way intentionally or otherwise.

The oh-so-illusive academy (who would probably insist on the capitalization of their name, but I choose to openly defy such an elitist request) acts like a group of over-zealous kids when any high-quality film, or simply one perceived as such, wriggles through a crack in the muck of cinematic garbage pumped out of Hollywood. Example: Lincoln. Woah there, put down those pitchforks and repress those ideas of ousting me from my blog throne! I'm not insinuating a lack of quality in that film. It was a well-rounded, emotional and poignant representation of Lincoln and his personal and political struggles (the two often amalgamated), albeit with slightly too many scenes focusing on political arguments behind closed doors. To summarize its strengths, it did what a movie should do- reached into the emotional stores of its audience and extracted raw feeling. Though not to the point as Les Miserables, Lincoln sure brought those tears to just behind my optometric floodgates.

My issue is not the Academy's (damn, I indulged their capitalization wish) nomination of Lincoln for best picture. My beef with them (I feel like only vegetarians should use that saying) is that they saw it's best picture-worthiness as justification to nominate it for EVERY other award category, whether actually worthy of nomination or not. Sally Field did a fine job as Mrs. Lincoln. But best actress worthy (am I supposed to capitalize best actress? Clearly I'm not on the up-and-up with Academy Award capitalization rules)? Not in my opinion (which just so happens to be the only one that matters in this post). I mean, is it really that challenging to be a swarthy little woman driven borderline insane by the events in her life? No.

SEE? I can be CRAAZZZYYY too!