Fruit? Vegetable?

I knew that there would be a problem teaching my special education class this week the instant I laid eyes on the worksheet that the head teacher wanted me to use. It sounds simple: he wanted to test the understanding of the students by giving them a worksheet depicting many fruits and vegetables and having them circle the answers when I say, for example, “red fruits.”

I started panicking a bit when I saw that tomatoes were one of the items of produce from which they could select. Crap. If I were to say “circle the red fruits,” would I have to count it wrong if they omitted the tomato? If I say “brown vegetables” and they circle the mushroom would I count it wrong because a mushroom is not a vegetable, but a fungus? What definition did the teacher want me to use? Culinary classification, which considers whether something is a fruit or a vegetable based on taste, or botanical classification, which defines a fruit as an edible plant containing seeds?

I’m about to go a bit Bill Nye on all of you. It’s time, once and for all, for us to understand what makes a fruit a fruit. According to livescience.com, a fruit is “a seed-bearing structure that develops from the ovary of a flowering plant, whereas vegetables are all other plant parts, such as roots, leaves and stems.” So, technically, olives, eggplants, peppers, tomatoes, cucumbers, and pumpkins are all fruits. FRUITS!

However, the above only applies if you just want to follow the botanical definition. If you want to go with the culinary definition, things that taste sweet are considered fruits, and things that taste savory, like the aforementioned botanical fruits peppers, eggplants and pumpkins, are vegetables. On the flipside, rhubarb is a botanical vegetable but a culinary fruit. Confused yet?

Here’s a little history/law lesson for you, too. When deciding whether tomatoes should be taxed as a fruit or a vegetable, the Supreme Court elected to consider them a vegetable because that is “standard” and “common.” I wonder how eggplants and olives are taxed…

Well, in the end, I decided to just say “orange fruit” for which they could only circle the orange. I was immensely thankful that the worksheet’s creator didn't decide to depict a pumpkin, too, or I would have felt even more lost and confused.

But... WHAT IS A FRUIT!?

WTF is Gluten?

Japanese people simply cannot wrap their heads around the idea that some people in America do not eat meat. That some don’t even eat FISH is even more baffling to them since they essentially equate fish to vegetables. So, imagine their complete shock when I try to explain what a vegan is. Saying that some people do not consume ANYTHING that comes from an animal astounds them. And I will never forget the way my teacher friend’s face went completely expressionless and blank with a lack of comprehension when I tried to explain gluten. Gluten free will never be something that will make sense here, so I don’t even try to tell people about that anymore.

Yes, the Japanese diet is pretty great sometimes. Sushi, sashimi, delicious fish and miso soups among other things… but sometimes, I must admit, it is a bit of a challenge. For example, Japanese people eat the skin of everything. If a fish is small enough, they will eat the ENTIRE thing, head and all. And perhaps this is normal, but they eat chicken skin as well. Not my thing.

Searching for whole wheat bread and brown rice is one that is generally in vain. I found brown rice once, and it was like searching for a needle in a haystack. They are a little behind jumping on the health food bandwagon. One of the things they do right here is drinking soup from bowls. I hate that in America we have to use our stupid spoons for broth.

This kid knows what's up

Absurd Fitness Recommendations

I have a bone to pick with a certain Ms. (Mrs.?) Jillian Michaels. While researching fitness tips the other day, because that is what I do in my spare time, I came across those of Michaels. The majority of her "six ways to (FINALLY!) get a flat belly" seemed reasonable and doable- cut down your salt intake, do more planks, blah-dee-blah, nothing new. Then I came across a tip that made me want to reach through the computer screen and punch her pretentious face. Number 4: Eat The Right Foods. Okay, Jillian, that sounds like a great tip based on the title! Then, I read the blurb beneath it:

"First, let's get something straight; all processed foods need to go. Get rid of the potato chips, microwave dinners, and definitely put an end to those fast food fixes. The sodium, preservatives and sugars alone will help keep your belly looking bloated and defeat your efforts. Replace the junk food with whole, quality, organic foods that are packed with healthy nutrients, not preservatives. Then, work these three foods into your diet for maximum belly-fat burn."

After my eyes scanned the last word of that passage, anger began to boil inside me like it does in a hot tea kettle.

Telling the average Jane/Joe to completely do away with microwave dinners and all fast food is absolutely absurd. If Jillian and other health advocates WANT people to get healthier, they need to promote making little, beneficial changes that gradually lead to larger lifestyle changes. Telling Couch Potato Chris to magically chuck his microwave dinners and become a vegan who only eats raw, organic produce is completely unrealistic. Jillian telling people that ALL processed foods "need to go" is going to get through to about zero people, especially those with crunched schedules and no time to cook everything from scratch.

Sorry, Jillian, we don't ALL have an endless cash flow streaming in allowing us to dedicate our every waking moment to fitness and health. Shocking as it may seem, we don't have wallets bursting at the seams with bills yearning to be spent at Whole Foods on their overpriced organic fare. We also don't have seven hours a day to spend prepping and cooking every single meal like Amish housewives (well, except in the case of Amish housewives).

Organic- but it's a MICROWAVE meal, throw it out!!!! Quick, before it adds inches to your waistline!

It reminded me of a talk that I went to about a year ago focusing on heart health. Specifically, the doctor leading the information session told the audience to "only buy things with no nutritional facts label." As in, only buy fruits and veggies. Is she nuts? Even organic, cage-free, butt-wiped, free-range, pampered chicken meat has a nutrition label. Actually, maybe she wants people to buy crossbows and don camo prints to get out there and take down their prey as nature intended, Katniss from The Hunger Games style!

That is the kind of recommendation that has the complete opposite effect as that which is desired. When people hear that they need to do 45 minutes of intense cardio 6 days a week plus three days of strength training and that they can only eat organic, unprocessed foods, their spirits will completely sink. These insane recommendations only spark the thought "well, I can never do that much, it just doesn't fit into my schedule and is too difficult, I may as well continue my sedentary lifestyle."

I will NOT give up my popcorn! 

The idea should be just to promote making, as I said earlier, little lifestyle changes. Take the stairs, not the elevator. Park further away from the store in the parking garage. Try to eat two more servings of vegetables a day. Heck, even just one more! Find a workout you love and do it once or twice a week. Those are the kind of things that will make people think "hey, I can do that!"

And THAT's how you make progress in public health, Jillian Michaels...

Juice Cleanse and Marinating Yogis

Well, it's weird how something you thought tasted like pond scum can taste like melted heaven-gown sugar cane after drinking something that actually tastes like pond scum. For three days, I have been drinking six green vegetable juices as part of a cleanse. The first juice I tried, comprised of ingredients like fennel, cilantro and kale, made me want to toss my cookies more than the cheesy endings of most romantic comedies when I first sipped it. However, I actually began to crave the aforementioned fennel juice when I tried the parsley, kale, ginger, lime juice. My gag reflux was triggered as it never has been before while trying to chug that one.

See how excited I am for juice number 1?

I felt like the playground bully torturing myself via the forced consumption of juices resembling aquarium algae while simultaneously preparing some of the most aromatic food imaginable for the hotel guests. By day two, it got so extreme that the cartoon food in the coloring book of a girl I was babysitting made me salivate like a wild beast. Not only has this cleanse altered my sense of taste, but it has honed my sense of smell as well. The radius at which my olfactory glands can detect the scents wafting from restaurant kitchens has increased tenfold. I can now smell a good Chana Masala cooking from a mile away.

The lid literally looks like algae

Never in my life had my mind been so far “off of my mat” (as yoga people say) as when my instructor used the word “marinate” not one, but three times during tonight’s class.. First of all, I find it odd that the day I happen to get the yoga instructor who uses food-related verbs out of context is the last day of my juice cleanse. Not fair, universe! I always thought marinating only applied to fish, chicken and the occasional block of tofu, but apparently it can apply to yogis (aka, those who practice yoga) too. The first time she used it was to say “just lay and marinate in your good intentions.” This instantly caused my thoughts to run amok, thinking of the delicious salmon marinade I made last week. Then I tried to figure out how a “good intention” marinade would taste. Would it be spicy? Sweet? A little bit of both like sweet and sour soup? On that note…YUM, sweet and sour soup!

The most torturous part of these food-free days was stepping into a food court where smells of my favorite foods ambushed me from all sides. There was the chicken curry from the Indian place poised and ready to attack, and the three Thai curry warriors, Red, Panang and Green, who pounced on me the second I walked through the door. Those are evil entrees when you are fasting, showing absolutely no mercy!

I make it sound like juice cleanses are torture. That is obviously not the case, since I subject myself to them about once a year. In fact, I find them entertaining. I think my noticing of the instructor’s use of “marinate” and my observation every time I hear the crinkling of a food wrapper are absolutely absurd. 

My Recent Breakup

Alright, boys n' girls- I am breaking up with Bell Pepper. After much deliberation, I have decided to put an end to my abusive relationship with the obnoxious vegetable once and for all. I have spent far too much time trying to love something I simply did not, and that was not fair neither to me nor bell peppers. Now that I am free from Bell Pepper's repressive hold, I can freely speak my mind. The vegetable is needy, clingy, high-maintenance- however you want to phrase it. Every recipe it sneaks its way into requires that it "have its seeds removed and de-membraned". Gross. I hereby declare that no one should eat things with membranes. Okay wait, I guess my new-found pepper hatred is directed only towards sweet bell peppers, jalapenos and other hot peppers are exceptions. I will continue occasionally dating the spicy peppers despite my being disgusted by their membranes- at least they have something to offer in the relationship.

Just the sight of these makes me gag

Don't worry, Hot Peppers- we can still go out

Yes, I'm sorry to disappoint our adoring fans, but this celebrity couple, Marisa and Bell Pepper, are truly through. Caput. Terminado. Past the point of no return. Insert cliche phrase pertaining to a relationship's end here. Bell Pepper may as well go buy a pint or two of Ben & Jerry's and scarf it down while listening to Bonnie Raitt's "I Can't Make You Love Me" and watching Bridget Jones' Diary (or some emotional drama screening on Oxygen). It can try to win back my affections by changing colors but to no avail. I don't care about the vibrant yellow of your skin, Bell Pepper! I know you still taste just as nasty as your green version in my salad, and I have no intention of dedicating one second to removing your membrane. That is repulsive.

It is time I dedicate my efforts to my other relationships with vegetables. Beet, my underrated lover, craves my attention and I plan to make our love a priority. Same goes for Brussels Sprouts and Kale. Kale and I used to spend every waking moment together and I admit that I have been slacking on my end of the relationship. I'm so sorry, my abused veggie loves! I should never have tried so hard to love Bell Pepper!