Juice Cleanse and Marinating Yogis

Well, it's weird how something you thought tasted like pond scum can taste like melted heaven-gown sugar cane after drinking something that actually tastes like pond scum. For three days, I have been drinking six green vegetable juices as part of a cleanse. The first juice I tried, comprised of ingredients like fennel, cilantro and kale, made me want to toss my cookies more than the cheesy endings of most romantic comedies when I first sipped it. However, I actually began to crave the aforementioned fennel juice when I tried the parsley, kale, ginger, lime juice. My gag reflux was triggered as it never has been before while trying to chug that one.

See how excited I am for juice number 1?

I felt like the playground bully torturing myself via the forced consumption of juices resembling aquarium algae while simultaneously preparing some of the most aromatic food imaginable for the hotel guests. By day two, it got so extreme that the cartoon food in the coloring book of a girl I was babysitting made me salivate like a wild beast. Not only has this cleanse altered my sense of taste, but it has honed my sense of smell as well. The radius at which my olfactory glands can detect the scents wafting from restaurant kitchens has increased tenfold. I can now smell a good Chana Masala cooking from a mile away.

The lid literally looks like algae

Never in my life had my mind been so far “off of my mat” (as yoga people say) as when my instructor used the word “marinate” not one, but three times during tonight’s class.. First of all, I find it odd that the day I happen to get the yoga instructor who uses food-related verbs out of context is the last day of my juice cleanse. Not fair, universe! I always thought marinating only applied to fish, chicken and the occasional block of tofu, but apparently it can apply to yogis (aka, those who practice yoga) too. The first time she used it was to say “just lay and marinate in your good intentions.” This instantly caused my thoughts to run amok, thinking of the delicious salmon marinade I made last week. Then I tried to figure out how a “good intention” marinade would taste. Would it be spicy? Sweet? A little bit of both like sweet and sour soup? On that note…YUM, sweet and sour soup!

The most torturous part of these food-free days was stepping into a food court where smells of my favorite foods ambushed me from all sides. There was the chicken curry from the Indian place poised and ready to attack, and the three Thai curry warriors, Red, Panang and Green, who pounced on me the second I walked through the door. Those are evil entrees when you are fasting, showing absolutely no mercy!

I make it sound like juice cleanses are torture. That is obviously not the case, since I subject myself to them about once a year. In fact, I find them entertaining. I think my noticing of the instructor’s use of “marinate” and my observation every time I hear the crinkling of a food wrapper are absolutely absurd.