Santa and Hermione Granger have more in common than you would think...

While driving home from yoga this morning, a Christmas carol with a name I do not know came on and told me that "just exactly at 12 o' clock" Santa would be coming down my chimney on Christmas. If anyone but Santa were foretold to be coming down my chimney at all, I would be oh so minorly perturbed. But he is chubby and seems like a laid-back guy with the good intention of leaving gifts and filling stockings. He can come down my chimey anytime. Why did that just sound dirty?

Anyways, alongside filling my mind with images of a chubby old man trying to fit down a chimney, I couldn't help but wonder about the logistics of him arriving at "just exactly 12 o' clock" to shimmy down EVERY chimney in the entire world. Even when taking different time zones into consideration, there are so many households per time zone that it still does not fit into the realm of reason. Then the story started to sound vaguely familiar- being in multiple places at once... hmmm...

Then it hit me like an avalanche (only a little less severe of a hit since I could still breathe and did not suffer a claustrophobia-induced panic attack from being packed in snow and not knowing which way was up). Hermione Granger and her time-turner! I'm pretty sure the time-turner did not come from Hogwarts administration but rather from a big jolly man dressed up in red. It all makes sense now! Of course, his circumstances bear a bit more weight than a bright witch wanting to overachieve in school. The happiness of the world's children rests in his hands. Maybe his time-turner has more power than hers? At least the secret of just how Santa does it is now revealed...

It's The End of the World as We Know it...

If you don't know how that song lyric ends you should be shot. Okay, slight exaggeration. Well, it doesn't even matter at this point if you know the rest of the words or not because at some point today the Maya prediction is going to take you out (and I'm not talking out to dinner...).

Okay, maybe humanity is being a pit overdramatic. I mean, another apocalyptic predition? How many times has this happened in the last few years? There was the one foretold by some random potentially insane man last summer, 6-6/06, and others. Yet here we are.

On NPR the other day, there was an interview on their Morning Edition segment with a big-wig in the world of Maya studies (yes, they have big wigs). He blatantly stated that this idea that the Maya predicted the end of the world is purely concocted by our modern society. Don't believe him? Head to the nearest movie theater. The previews clearly manifest his idea- we are apocalypse-obsessed. It seems that 4 out of 5 previews are for movies dealing with apocalyptic subject matter. Sometimes the world ends by alien invasion, sometimes by robot invasion from under the sea (seriously), and sometimes by alien-robot hybrids. We have weather phenomenon taking out the population, rampant incurable viruses, you name it. We seem to be asking for it. How depressing.

Anyways, we have already made it to 4:47 PM. Only a little over 7 hours to see if we live through yet another apocalypse. Good luck.
 

Misfits No More

After my annual screening of the classic Rudolph cartoon, I got to seriously thinking about the situation of the misfit toys and how they can fix their issues. First of all, there really is nothing wrong with the vast majority of them, it just seems like they want to throw a collaborative pity party.

Photo from halfassedproductions.com

The weird griffin that rules the island needs to hire me to solve their issues so he can go be the monarch of a more reasonable kingdom. I already have a plan of action in place.

1) The Charlie in the Box- he claims his residence on the island is necessary as his name is not Jack, and logically no child would want to play with him. Despite this flawed reasoning, it is still an easy fix- head down to the county courthouse and set up an appointment to legally change his name to Jack. Done. Next?

Courtesy of fadtoys.com

2) The train with square-shaped back wheels- ever heard of sandpaper?

3) The elephant with spots- first of all, who the hell cares? If the problem is simply aesthetic, it's not actually an issue at all- kids these days play with the weirdest stuffed animals I have ever seen. Purple dogs, green cats with blue spots... heck, they would probably line up begging Santa for a pink-spotted elephant. If the issue is medical and he has chicken pox, also an easy fix- calamine lotion and gloves to prevent itching. Then, he should remember to get the shingles vaccine when he's older because I guess once you've had the chicken pox it means the shingle virus is already inside of you.

4) The pistol that shoots jelly instead of water- this toy is basically screwed because no parent will buy their kid a toy gun anymore. So his best bet is to either apply for a job at a jelly donut factory or to get a nice place and settle down on the island because he has legitimate cause to reside there.

5) The doll with absolutely no problem- I never understood her presence on the island, but after some good ol' Wikipedia reading, I learned that it may be psychological since she is crying throughout the special. So, her fix would be some therapy sessions to get over whatever issues she is dealing with. According to an NPR program: "Rudolph's producer, Arthur Rankin Jr., says Dolly's problem was psychological, caused from being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from feeling unloved."

6) The bird that swims instead of flies- stuffed animal birds never fly in the first place, so if he just has an image problem, he can visit a plastic surgeon to remove the fins (or a seamstress?)

7) An airplane that cannot fly- see above regarding toys not actually being able to do what their real counterparts can. Use some imagination, kids.

8) Toy boat that sinks- please see above again.

9) A cowboy who rides an ostrich- what is wrong with a cowboy wanting to elect a different mode of transportation?

Apparently there is also a scooter as part of the group, but no one can tell what is wrong with it.

I just solved all of their issues. Bam, I'm good.

Modified 30 Day Challenge!

For any of you familiar with the clandestine community of Bikram yoga, you are already well-acquianted with the 30-day challenge. For those of you who are not (which I assume is the vast majority if not all of my readers), you will probably correctly infer that it is a challenge to do 30 Bikram sessions in 30 days. Very self explanatory. The goal of this is that you will feel so phenomenal and get so utterly addicted during the 30 days (which, not surprisingly, is usually the lengh of time that Bikram studios have introductory special rates) that you will never be able to stop, and will most likely cave in to the ridiculously high membership rates (around $150-200 a month, generally with no student/senior rates. Seriously...). I had always wanted to participate in aforementioned challenge and assume that I unofficially did while working at the studio in L.A. since I attended class so much.

After moving to Boulder, I found that there were two Bikram studios aside from the one at which I already used my intro rate- one in Longmont and one in Westminister, which offered a $49 membership for your first month. I thought, wow, how perfect! Now I can do my 30-day challenge. Yet going about 30 minutes out of my way in either direction did not appeal to me or my gas tank too much. So I decided to do a little cheating and make a personalized 30-day challenge. All it really means is that I won't get a commemorative T-shirt. Maybe someone will make me one.

As previously mentioned in other posts, other yoga studios have been essentially stealing Bikram yoga and simply calling it "hot yoga" to avoid paying for the rights to the name. This is much to the dismay of Bikram and his studios, naturally. However, the classes are literally the same exact thing. How this is legal, I'm not sure- you'd have to ask a lawyer or really intelligent law school student. Since Yoga Pod happens to be in the most convinient location for me, I plan to attend their hot yoga sessions for 30 days. Boom, problem solved. Don't worry, I will document everything on this page including before and after photos! Don't get too excited!

I fully plan to master all 26 postures below, even though I know I will be feeling like the thought bubbles in the image below the image below.

 

Photo from chocolateismylife-us.blogspot.com

Photo from theironyou.com
 

 

Clique-y Yoga

About a year ago, I would have told time travelers from 2012 informing me of my future yoga-doing, kale-eating self, I would have told them to take a hike to the nearest time machine mechanic, since theirs seemed to have brought them from an alternate universe where I was super hippie. I also would most likely have punched them in the face as they had offended me so deeply.

Then, when I had to chance to try Bikram yoga for free last July, I became instantly ensnared past the point of no return. As free yoga was one of my employment benefits (gotta love L.A.), I completely took for granted the fact that this particular type of elitist yoga cost around $185 per month. Upon returning to Colorado, unemployment forced me to get a bit creative and do something drastic in order to continue practicing yoga. I even recognized that the scant amount of Bikram yoga studios in Boulder and its immediate surroundings would force me to try out *gasp* different styles of yoga! Shocking!

When I first betrayed my beloved Bikram yoga to take advantage of CorePower Yoga's free trial week, I felt a bit guilty. I always knew of the animosity bubbling between Bikram yoga and other styles of hot yoga which allegedly copied Bikram in its entirety but were mere greedy wannabes. So i couldn't have felt more out-of-place when I sheepishly entered CorePower wearing my Bikram Yoga Marina del Rey shirt. It actually felt a little West Side Story. When the CorePower yogis eyed my Bikram shirt disapprovingly, I half expected all of us to smart snapping and circling each other Sharks vs. Jets style prior to breaking out into a spontaneous musical number.

Yet as much as I didn't want to, I completely loved what CorePower had to offer. I was wrong in my characterization of the Sharks and the Jets, however; after attending another Bulder yoga studio, Radiance Yoga (where they teach Batiste-style yoga), my mind formulated a new and more accurate analogy. I realized that yoga studios are more like high school cliques. CorePower is the jock clique, as they are definitely the most popular, nation-wide studio bullying smaller studios in the hallway. However, they are really cool to hang out with so people like them anyways. Radiance Yoga is the clique of girls desperately trying to be popular but aren't quite there yet. By that I mean they will adapt their personalities according to who they are hanging out with and try to please everyone. Radiance Yoga doesn't kick their participants butts for the sake of giving them an awesome workout- rather, they basically let members do whatever they want to feel good about themselves.

Bikram is a weird case in this analogy. Bikram yoga is that cool, elusive kid that wears a lot of black and hangs out by himself or just a couple of other equally elusive kids. Bikram sort of slinks in the shadows of the hallway and that aura of mystery emanates the kind of "cool" that high school kids want to be associated with. Hence why other studios copy Bikram yoga.

Wow, that was one elaborate analogy, Marisa...

COME ON! PUSH IT!

Spinning- it's the hot new workout along with zumba and others with equally confusing names. I mean let's be honest- all it is is stationary biking, so why don't we just eliminate the confusion and call it "stationary biking"? Whatever, it is what it is. I guess the wheel spins so there is some logic behind the title.

Anyways, my recent obtaining of a free three-day all-access pass to 24 Hour Fitness made me feel obligated to spend as much time as my protesting body would allow. I decided to try out different classes each of the three days. People back at the yoga studio where I worked in Los Angeles always raved about spinning being the best thing since, well, yoga and insisted that since I was a runner it would come naturally to me. Wrong.

Spinning also happens to be another sport that makes participants loathe the dictatorial nature of the instructor. I mean, what is a fitness class if not a dictatorship? One power hungry individual sits before the masses demanding that they perform certain physical feats. Worse yet is when their power-hungry ego feeds on the suffering students and the yelling starts. "Push harder! Come ON! Feel the burn!" The only other place comments like that fill the air waves is in maternity wards. And I don't like to compare my workout classes to my perception of the birthing experience.

The most obnoxious part to my already panting, irritated and sweaty self was the instructors describing which part of the imaginary hill we were supposedly biking on. I consider myself not lapsed in the ability to use my imagination like a wide-eyed child, but somehow when I am already gasping for air and told to really push myself while climbing this last hill, the desire to imagine aforementioned hill is replaced with the desire to imagine I'm on a beach chair in Hawaii somewhere. So while the rest of the dedicated students who actually paid for their memberships did, indeed, push themselves up the hill, I turned my bike around, lowered my resistance all the way and coasted down to treat myself to a coffee at the imaginary Starbuck's at the bottom.
 

Alright, this Journey is a Little Expected...

Who in their right mind goes into a movie adapted from only a fraction of a novel which is not of considerable length and expects it to move at a rapid pace? Only certifiably insane people, if you ask me. I certainly do not see a point cinematically to dividing The Hobbit into two parts let alone three (we all see the financial point, however). The only literature adapted to the big screen currently in theaters which desperately needs division into multiple films at the moment is Anna Karenina. In that case, we're dealing with a 735-page Russian novel. Perhaps division could have saved that train wreck of a film (for those of you who have read the book or seen the movie, no pun intended).

Back to the topic at hand- The Hobbit. Before stepping into the theater I was under the impression that it was "only" going to be two films, and I still had the common sense to mentally prep myself as best as possibly for the long haul. At 169 minutes, The Hobbit part one certainly is trying at times. I would advise anyone with concentration issues, diagnosed or otherwise, to really gear up or take some meds or to hook up to an IV of caffeine before the screening.

I read a multitude of reviews on good ol' Rotten Tomatoes before attending the midnight premiere. Every critic who "blasted" the film referenced the same negative aspect- the draggy nature of the begining. Yes, it was probably a little bit worse than watching molasses slowly trickle down a slope at a 1 degree angle for the first 45 minutes to an hour. But my dedication to the Lord of the Rings films and the talented acting right from the get-go of Martin Freeman as young Bilbo had me holding out hope. And I'm glad I did. Once the ball gets rolling, The Hobbit is a truly charming film. I'm talking chivilrous, European gentleman caller charming. Considering it is the most lighthearted of Tolkein's books, the film took a surprisingly dark twist as well. Yet the generous sprinkling of humor throughout the plot more than made up for it.

My favorite scene, and I don't believe I'm alone in this, was the famous riddle exchange between Bilbo and Gollum. Mainly, perhaps, because of the talented Martin Freeman and Andy Serkis (disguised by CGI). Other moments captivated me as well such as the familiar, touching exchanges between characters reminiscent of those in the Lord of the Rings trilogy. When Bilbo is acknowledged for his immense bravery with violins swelling in the background it tugs at my heart strings more than a sad puppy's eyes looking up at me from a cage in the pound. And one undeniable truth is that whether you are bored or not, the scenery alone provides plenty of eye candy and makes you want to travel to New Zealand all over again.

 

Another Christmas Carol Rant

You know, while I am stuck on the topic of Christmas music and merriment, I have some beef to bring up (who came up with that saying anyways? A butcher? I guess they always have beef, technically, unless there is some sort of unprecidented shortage of cow meat) with the three aforementioned Christmas music stations. I understand the logic of the majority of the songs played- White Christmas is obviously a classic. Who doesn't know the words to Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer by heart, aside from immigrants and those who experienced deprived childhoods? There are some modern Christmas carols like Last Christmas and All I Want for Christmas is You. Yet there clear addressing of the subject of Christmas and holiday cheer have vaulted them into immediate acceptance by the general public.

My issue is when these radio stations begin to stretch the definition of what is and what isn't Christmas music. At least the two songs mentioned in the above paragraph contain the word "Christmas" in the title. However, I have heard the song The Gift played as part of the Christmas song collection of these radio stations, and I just find that unacceptable. Just because it mentions the word "gift" does not automatically associate it with Christmas. No other part of the lyrics mention Christmas. Oh wait, I just read them and it does talk about snow and lights. Fine. But it could just as easily be a song referencing someone's birthday or house-warming party in winter. Those both would entail gifts and snow.

Perhaps I am being a bit harsh and hypocritical. I am a sucker for the Joni Mitchell song The River which hints at Christmas about the same amount as The Gift. But I like that song better so there.

How Would you Like your Fa La Las?

Prior to this year, the Denver-based radio station KOSI 101.1 held a Monopoly on all Christmas music played over the radio waves in the Denver/Boulder area (as well as in Superior, Longmont, Louisville, Lafayette and more if you want to get really technical). I was never keen on the idea of Monopolizing Christmas carols. I mean, isn't Christmas the time to get into giving and sharing? KOSI 101.1 did not see it that way- they seemed to see the holidays (and also the time far before an acceptable start date to play Christmas music [oh wait, don't call the politically-correct police on me, I mean the "holiday music" {despite the fact that there is basically only the Dradel song for Hannukah [or is it with a CH?? How do you put parenthesis inside parenthesis inside parenthesis??] and then the Adam Sandler song}]) as a time to hog all music referencing the winter solstace, Santa, Heat Miser, and Jesus' birth.

Not anymore, KOSI 101.1! Though technically I think it is because of a space constraint and they broadcast from the same building, this year, KOSI 101.1 is easing up on the yuletide radio waves and has allowed two new players- 105.1 and 102.5- the chance to flex their festive muscle. Now, we are not forced to listen to Madonna's version of Santa Baby- we can listen to an ever-so-slightly altered version by someone sounding shockingly similar. Don't like Bing Crosby's White Christmas (first of all, you need to be committed in a straight jacket)? Flip to a different station for one by a pop Country singer! Now our fa la las can finally succumb to a bit of variety! Even better, if Heaven forbid a commercial comes on, you don't have to go even one second without having holiday cheer reverberating off your ear drum! Now, that's what I call celebrating!