Fifty Shades of BLAH

The third installment in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy was one of the most terrible novels (as far as plot goes) that I have ever read in my life. I mean literally, it was painful to get through almost every page. I only forced myself through it because I had already read the first two and for some unknown reason I came to slightly care what happens to the characters. I just happened to be invested by that point.

Okay so I GUESS I should mention that the following contains spoilers about what happens in the third book of the Fifty Shades trilogy, but honestly, there is not much to give away. If you have a slight amount of common sense you can infer what happens after reading the first page of the first book. But, whatever, if you really want to hold on to the minimal suspense accompanying not knowing what happens in the third book, stop reading now.

The series went from a steamy novel about an innocent 21-year-old driven mad by the sexy charms of an older man interested in BDSM to a story about a rich married couple with nothing but a bunch of white people problems to desperately attempt to inject conflict into the story. Where should we buy our third mansion? Should we have three spoiled kids or just two? Is a Mercedes fancy enough or do we need to go with a Lamborghini?

Those days are gone...

I was annoyed with the protagonist, Ana, from page one of book one, but in book three she becomes somehow more unbearable still. For example, she goes on and on about how she never eats and thus is super thin, and how Christian (sexy man) gets mad at her for never eating. Is this really the kind of character with whom girls should be sympathizing? I think not. There are enough young women with eating disorders at this point. She also complains whenever Christian gives her an expensive present, but then instantly gets over it. Like, in one scene he buys her a brand new R8, whatever the hell that is, I am not a car person, and she gets all pouty about it for a grand total of about one second and then

shrugs her shoulders and decides she may as well get used to being richer than Bill Gates.

This raises another question: how exactly did Christian come in possession of such vast amounts of capitol? He is not a trust fund baby exactly, and he is vaguely described in the beginning of the series as a CEO of a company. Could the author be any more vague? Christian Grey is supposed to be 27 and filthy rich. Not buying it. I guess I shouldn't have expected much in the way of plot for an erotic novel series. I admit I didn't know was to expect.

So basically, Ana started out as a somewhat strong and independent female character and morphs into a woman who get married to the first guy she dates and then becomes filthy rich and does whatever he says. Okay, being dominated in the bedroom is one thing, but having him tell her what to do elsewhere is not cool if she is allegedly a strong female lead. Perhaps one of the most irritating moments was when she wanted to keep her maiden name at work and is “determined” to do so no matter what Christian says and then instantly caves when he asks her to change it. Real strong, Ana, real strong.

There is also a point where her father is in the hospital, and she still goes back to have sex with Christian right after visiting him. That is messed up on so many levels. I mean, come on, they do the nasty basically every time they lay eyes on each other, I’m pretty sure one night off is not going to do anyone any harm. On that same note, the libidos of both characters are just unbelievable. Like, once you have been with someone for a certain amount of time, I don't care how sexy he or she is, your desire levels inevitably dip at least a little bit.

Perhaps my issue was just having far too high of expectations for an erotic novel. That is just simply not how I get my kicks. I prefer a little bit of a plot. I mean no offense whatsoever to the author of the trilogy, even though I just spent a good deal of time bashing her novel. Props to her for creating a worldwide phenomenon. She is probably so stinking rich at this point that any form of criticism, especially from a little nobody teacher in Japan, doesn't even slightly bother her. I hope that is the case, and that she doesn't send out assassins to “take care of me” on her behalf.

Hermaphrodite Literature

My last post gave off the impression (to me, at least) that the recommendation that I read Middlesex was a head-scratcher. That is not the case. Novels penned by Jeffrey Eugenides are worth reading simply because he is such an all-around talented writer. When combined, his words, as those of good writers do, reach into the innermost part of their readers and violently yank out emotions. Equipped with literary prowess, when Eugenides decides that he wants his reader to feel something, they FEEL it, and are powerless to stop the catharsis.

His personification of a fire engulfing a town in flames stuck in my mind superglue style. "...the fire dodges him and races up into the house. From there it sweeps across an Oriental rug, marches out to the  back porch, leaps nimbly up onto a laundry line, and tightrope-walks across to the house behind. It climbs in the window and pauses, as if shocked by its good fortune: because everything in the house it just made to burn..." (Eugenides, 56).

Before reading this passage, I thought that the only fire capable of marching, leaping, tightrope-walking and climbing was Calcifer from one of my favorite movies, Howl's Moving Castle.

My favorite personified fire

So...Middlesex is about a hermaphrodite. The story of his/her life, told by Cal (formerly Callie), begins two generations before him with the history of his grandparents' journey from Greece to Detroit. He tells the sequence of events from the first person omniscient (for those of you who dozed off in high school language arts, that means that Cal is the narrator and knows everything, even events he was not present to witness). This may not sound like a unique element of the plot, but he does so in an interesting way. At points, Cal observes the relationships of his family from his perspective as an egg inside his mother's ovary. How clever is that?

So, what is the story? How did Cal, formerly Callie, end up this way? Well, that IS the story, and I don't want to spoil hours of fun reading for all of you, so I will keep my summary as just the tip of the iceberg. Simply put, there is more scandal and drama in Cal's parent's and grandparent's relationships than there is in the Kardashian family. Cal pairs the chronicling his own family's immigration and formation in Detroit with the corresponding events in Greece and the United States, which gives the novel a historic element.

There are scenes in Middlesex that are uncomfortable to read. As I mentioned in my previous post, I personally did not find reading about a hermaphrodite right before bed to be particularly conducive to a good night's sleep. It is dense and demanding, but if those two alliterative adjectives don't frighten you, feel free to take this novel head on. It is undeniably quality writing, but not what to read if you are looking for quick and light writing. 

Let's Go Skinny Dipping

Most authors must work hard to secure a spot on my list of beloved writers by showcasing their talents in at least two or three fantastic pieces of profound and captivating literature. Or, they can circumvent these criteria by writing something hilarious that quickly sets me of on a laughing fit so extreme that those around me would confuse it with a seizure, potentially leading to an unnecessary 9-1-1 call (and we know how the dispatchers LOVE those). Upon their arrival, I would be forced to awkwardly explain my inability to contain my reactions to good comedy writing. Okay, enough of that over the top scenario...

As I mentioned in a previous post, this looks more like an erotic adult novel. Don't be fooled. 

Using some kind of writing wizardry, Carl Hiaasen managed to bypass both criteria with his novel Skinny Dip. Yes, it is funny, but not the aforementioned, fit-inducing hilarity. It falls into the category of smart humor that makes you laugh like a buffoon in your mind while emitting only a reasonable, quiet chuckle. Sometimes the mere ridiculous nature of the plot is enough to make a smile spread across the reader's face.

Carl Hiaasen just emanates "funny guy"- I wouldn't mind hanging out with him!

Personally, I lack the patience to sit through seemingly endless introductions spanning multiple chapters while eagerly awaiting the start of the action. That is quite simply a waste of my oh-so-precious time. So when the first page of Hiaasen's novel transported me to the middle of the ocean where a woman was struggling to surface after being pushed off a cruise ship by her husband, my literary hunger was satiated. The rest of the novel chronicles Joey Perrone's (the woman pushed overboard) rescue by island-dweller Mick Stranahan and their subsequent plan to mess with her womanizing, scum-bag of a husband Chaz until he goes bat-sh** crazy. Chaz's personality is almost unbelievably atrocious at times. One shining example is his attempts to apologize to his mistress that he shot in the leg after she finds out about how he killed his wife. He begs and pleads like a helpless child, saying "Come on baby, I was crazy in the head!"


Hiaasen's talent in writing shines through most notably in the characters his words create. One such example is the bodyguard of his protagonist's slimy husband, a large, hairy, ape-like, alligator-eating fentanyl addict nicknamed Tool. Tool has done some bad things in life including stealing fentanyl from cancer patients. One such patient, Maureen, assists him during the course of the novel and convinces him to change his ways. One reason Hiaasen is such a successful character writer is that he incorporates their thoughts and unique speaking styles into his novel. It is exceptionally easy to imagine exactly how Tool speaks in lines of dialogue like in the following passage: "Tool gestured at the wooden cross. 'Least he was a 'husband, father, son, brother'- I ain't none a those things, Red. I got no wife and no family...one lousy cousin, he's up at Starke for robbin' a (expletive removed) laundry-mat." Laundry-mat!? That is genius!

I loved this book so much that I actually BOUGHT another one by Hiaasen: Sick Puppy. I already love it based on the title and cover. Yes, I judge books by their covers. Stay tuned for that review in a few weeks (it is in a queue of about six books).

A Marriage is a Plot with Many Twists

Little Zs swirled around my own bored head as I attempted to verbally describe the plot of The Marriage Plot to an inquirer asking what the book I was reading was about. There's really no getting around it- the synopsis makes the Jeffery Eugenides novel sound like a total snore-inducer. Maybe it will be less so in blog format. Here goes:

Madeline, a 22-year-old Brown University student is about to don her cap and gown and graduate with a degree in English. Initially, she planned to move in with her boyfriend, Leonard, after graduation while applying to grad school. Yet they recently broke up leaving Madeline without plans and heartbroken. On graduation day, she happens to run into a university friend, Mitchell, who we later discover is and always has been madly in love with her. He is about to head off to India, seemingly missing his chance with his true love. Madeline also learns on graduation day that Leonard, who she believes is her one true love, was committed to the psych ward. SPOILER ALERT she skips graduation to go see him where he confesses he wants to get back together, so they do. The plot switches viewpoints between Madeline, Mitchell and Leonard, who it turns out is a manic-depressive. The story follows their intertwined lives and their changing relationships after departing the Ivy League.

Man, I can feel my brain cells dying of boredom and my fingers melting into the keyboard just from writing this. Hopefully your cells are hanging in there and I can not be held accountable for making my readers brain dead.

If the plot were easier to summarize and sounded more enticing, it would be far easier to give well-deserved kudos to this novel. Something about the most basic desire to know who Madeline ends up with, Leonard or Mitchell, and following along with Mitchell and Leonard through their prospective struggles make it a well-worthwhile read and page-turner. Eugenides truly makes his readers feel for his characters- I pity Madeline for loving and desperately trying to help a manic-depressive, yet also pity Leonard for being one and admire him for attempting to overcome it. I felt myself rooting for Mitchell during his journey abroad and quest for religion. He never ceased to love Madeline.

There are comical parts, some raunchy sex scenes (definitely not for kids) and beautiful scenic descriptions all sprinkled amongst truly engaging prose. A good, page-turning book here!

Books Straight out of the Dryer

If literature could be compared to the some kind of fluff, Something Borrowed is the kind of fluff you pick off your clothes after removing them from the dryer. Or the kind of fluffy fur on Pomeranians. You look at it, touch it, feel and relish the fuzziness, and then instantly forget it. But what better way to hack down and murder stress demons than by spreading apart the covers of Something Borrowed and allowing the juicy plot line of a love triangle where a girl is sleeping with her best friend's fiancee ooze out over the pages you are trying to hide behind The Wall Street Journal since you are reading in public. Wow that sentence's length far exceeded what is appropriate.

At a certain point in any reader's life, they are bound to get sick of serious Russian novels (don't worry, I'm not doing any Tolstoy bashing here) and classic literature forced upon them in high school, as those genres are much less apt to mercilessly remove stress, often doing just the opposite. Of course, classic literature comprises an immensely important place in society in my oh-so-humble opinion, but novels like Something Borrowed are, though perhaps to a lesser degree, vital.

I remember well the day I watched Something Borrowed, the film based on the book, in case you couldn't use your keen sense of reasoning to figure that one out. It seems every time I am on a transcontinental flight lasting the lifetime of certain insects, cosmic forces come together to plot against me by making all of my inflight movie options the one-star crap that should have gone straight to DVD if it didn't already. Yes, I am insinuating that the film version of Something Borrowed is not a high-quality film about to skyrocket to the top of any critic's must-see list. It falls neatly into the same category of entertaining but forgettable. Yes, that is officially a category. Back to the point, I ended up watching Something Borrowed en route from Spain to Denver. I figured I'd at least improve my language skills while the melted cheddar-cheesy plot rotted my brain by changing the language to Spanish.

For those of you who haven't seen the movie or read the book, here's a brief synopsis: Rachel and Darcy, best friends from their early youth, find their friendship jeopardized when Rachel sleeps with Darcy's fiancee, Dex. And then, OMG, Rachel and Dex actually fall in LOVE! Oh woe is me. Should she continue to be Darcy's right hand woman or follow her heart? Oh the dilemmas... sounds like an episode of Maury Povich. Who doesn't love a good love triangle? Or love rhombus in this case (they are much more interesting than love squares), since one of Dexter's friends is hot for Rachel. Woah, plot twist!!

Total besties!!!!

Totally in love!?

Or....are they??

People who should read this book are shameless women looking for a stress-free, quick, entertaining and comical read and who aren't afraid to attract a couple of looks from strangers questioning their IQ. Seriously, I wish I could have snapped a photo of the way people's faces scrunched up in disapproval when I showed them what I was reading. In all frankness, I can't think of a single man who would enjoy reading Something Borrowed, but I've been wrong before. And yes, I admit shamelessly that I will be reading the sequel. I bet you can guess the title... Something Blue. Seriously.

You're reading WHAT??