Hustle Me, Batman

I like being hustled as long as it is by an overweight Christian Bale (a.k.a Batman, if you didn't get the title reference) with an atrocious combover and a particularly foxy-looking Amy Adams. American Hustle's nomination for best picture was a head-scratcher for me, but if Jennifer Lawrence hadn't been nominated for best supporting actress I would have sat there ripping my hair out and stomping around like a four-year-old throwing a massive tantrum. Though she appeared a bit too youthful to play the part of the disgruntled and manipulative housewife and mother, she pulled it off perfectly, making audiences (or at least me) want rip my way though the silver screen and slug her in the face to prevent any future misery caused by her selfishness and ignorance.

The acting was more stellar than the Big Dipper and the little one combined. Amy Adams, who I truly don't understand how she has to much time to dedicate to such a wide variety of films, did a great job and, male viewers will be pleased to know, didn't wear much the entire running time. Bradley Cooper has come a long way since his days in The Hangover (actually, he just recently participated in a horrendous third installment in the series, but at least the quality films in which he is acting simultaneously partially make up for that atrocity). If he hadn't already proven his on-screen skills in Silver Lining's Playbook, his appearance in American Hustle would have.

Ick- she just look likes a catty b****

Quick plot summary: Irving Rosenfeld (Bale) and his main squeeze Sydney Prosser (Adams) spend their time conning the desperate with various schemes until FBI agent Richie DiMaso catches them and forces them to help him catch a corrupt politician in exchange for DiMasso not to press charges. Their highly sensitive operation is going swimmingly until Rosenfeld's nosy and obnoxious wife (Lawrence) threatens to expose the whole thing with her unintentional involvement. As previously mentioned, the wife is just awful in every way. She accidentally sets the house on fire multiple times, is a negligent mother, and threatens Rosenfeld whenever he mentions the divorce he and Prosser desperately want. Thus, she is the most entertaining character by a long shot.

Wow, Christian- you really let yourself go...

For me, the take away of this movie is that the acting is beyond superb (super superb?), it makes you wish you lived in New York in the 60s, and the plot keeps you entertained as long as you can actually follow it. The complexities in the plot in which important twists and turns happen at break neck speeds reminded me of Tinker, Tailer, Soldier, Spy. That movie just flew right over my head, despite my desperate attempts to understand the details. Yes, the actors nominated for their roles in American Hustle deserved their nominations. Especially Christian Bale just for sporting that horrific comb-over and gaining so much weight (the weight gain seemed to work for Charleze Theron in Monster). I do hope, however, that it does not take home the Best Picture prize. I have yet to be impressed by a nominated film to feel it is deserving.

Bionic Matt Damon

The bass of an indiscernible hip hop song thumps in the background as children scamper and wearly-looking adults trudge along in the streets of an overpopulated Los Angeles. That looked about right to me after having spent substantial time in the city of Angeles. The big shock came to me as the year "2154" scrolled across the movie screen. I was under the impression things were already a bit desperate/Apocalyptic there already. A bit later after informing the audience of the setting and time period they made sure to include some robots for good measure.

I understand the draw of a few million dollars, but I still can't help feeling slighted by actors generally opting for quality films when they make the financially-motivated decision to appear in cinematic *ahem* "gems" *ahem* (the ahems indicate sarcasm) like Elysium. The trailer indicated a generic, futuristic Sci-Fi movie offering a bleak outlook of the future of oh-so-doomed humanity with some potentially promising action scenes, aesthetically pleasing cinematography and A-list ish actors (though I can't claim familiarity with the celebrity rating system. I think Jodi Foster and Matt Damon are A list or at least B+ list). 

Alright, quick plot summary: Earth is overpopulated, disease-ridden and unsanitary, so the elite members of the human race create a means of preserving their uppity way of life on a weird, floating wheel-shaped space station called Elysium. Everyone and their drug dealer wants a ticket up there, naturally; one of the major draws being that any ailment suffered by Elysium citizens is cured instantly. It is an attempt at a commentary on society with the rich being selfless, soulless jerks who seldom look in the direction of the poverty and ill-stricken. The first scene is a flashback to young Max (Matt Damon) speaking poor Spanish with a random nun about how one day he wants to get to Elysium with his childhood girlfriend. As adults, childhood-girlfriend chick is a nurse with a dying child. Since Max suffers from radiation poisoning at work and is trying to get to Elysium himself, his lady love uses her sexy Spanish accent and and the fact that he is hot for her to convince him to take them as well. The girl pathetically fails to pull off the cute thing by telling some horrible story to Max in a desperate attempt to invoke some mercy. She is a horrible child actress. Man, I am already sick of typing what I hoped would be a basic summary and there is still an insane amount of plot lines to touch on. 

To get a ticket to Elysium, Max offers to do a favor for a Los Angeles gangster who is basically impossible to understand. To do so, he undergoes an unnecessarily graphic surgery transforming him into a partially-bionic human USB stick. His task is to download the technical code capable of overthrowing Elysium from the brain of some CEO guy. Confused yet? A few poorly coordinated and unnecessary action scenes later, Max gets the information accompanied by a predictable warning from CEO guy that he would regret it. DUN DUN DUN. Being a citizen of Elysium, the death of pretentious CEO guy is not taken lightly by Jodi Foster, the heartless ruler of the utopia. Thus, she sends out her minions, two unwashed assassins flying around in a hover craft. The more evil of the two has metal implanted in his face for no reason and speaks in this accent sounding like a hybrid between South African, cockney English, and maybe a hint of Australian. The tone of his voice resonates far too many decibels higher than would ever allow it to be taken seriously, thus instantly making him a poor casting choice.

Hm, you've got something on your face, buddy...

Here's where I leave you sitting on the edge of your seats with bated breath: do the deserving impoverished overthrow the cold-hearted elites and earn a spot on Elysium? Hm, so hard to predict...

Seriously this Time, it's the Apocalypse

Never in my life did I imagine a Seth Rogen movie would cause me to leave the theater desiring to lead a more Christian lifestyle. But when it was revealed to me that The Backstreet Boys and Segway rides await those entering Heaven, how could anyone not instantly opt to uphold the teachings of Christianity on the spot?

This is the End initially comes off as yet another of the countless apocalyptic plots involving zombies, vampires, or in this case, demons, that Hollywood has been cranking out at an exponential rate. And with identical plot lines coming at them from all directions like Cicadas emerging after 17 years underground, it's no surprise that moviegoers are increasingly skeptical to on-screen insights as to just what will finally take humanity out (my money is on the unstoppable spread of antibiotic-resistant bacteria [there's an underdone cinematic plot for you]). Admittedly, I was one of those skeptics, yet as usual, Rotten Tomatoes certifying This is the End as "fresh" calmed my nerves like a good ol' Gin & Tonic after a 12-hour-shift.

I generally describe myself as the way-too-easily-annoyed audience member who unnecessarily glares at those laughing too loud during movies in a cynical attempt to bring them down to my level of not having such a good time. When did I turn green and try to steal Christmas from Who-ville? Anyways, during This is the End, it was my laugh attracting the begrudging stares. How's that for some good ol' fashioned irony? The plot is simple: a group of actors comprised of Seth Rogen, Jonah Hill, James Franco, Jay Baruchel and Craig Robinson among others find themselves stuck together in a fight for survival during the apocalypse in which those of Good Will were beamed up to Heaven leaving them behind. There's brotherhood, angry British chicks accompanied by Harry Potter jokes, cannibalism, flying heads and demons appearing to have familial ties to Godzilla. What more could you want? Oh, right, a cameo by The Backstreet Boys. Yes, that's in there too.

Worth seeing in theaters? If you can get a student discount with an expired I.D. like me or if you can get to a matinee. Kid friendly? If you want to give them worse language than a heroin-dealing sailor and start asking what certain sexual terms mean, by all means.