After my annual screening of the classic Rudolph cartoon, I got to seriously thinking about the situation of the misfit toys and how they can fix their issues. First of all, there really is nothing wrong with the vast majority of them, it just seems like they want to throw a collaborative pity party.
The weird griffin that rules the island needs to hire me to solve their issues so he can go be the monarch of a more reasonable kingdom. I already have a plan of action in place.
1) The Charlie in the Box- he claims his residence on the island is necessary as his name is not Jack, and logically no child would want to play with him. Despite this flawed reasoning, it is still an easy fix- head down to the county courthouse and set up an appointment to legally change his name to Jack. Done. Next?
2) The train with square-shaped back wheels- ever heard of sandpaper?
3) The elephant with spots- first of all, who the hell cares? If the problem is simply aesthetic, it's not actually an issue at all- kids these days play with the weirdest stuffed animals I have ever seen. Purple dogs, green cats with blue spots... heck, they would probably line up begging Santa for a pink-spotted elephant. If the issue is medical and he has chicken pox, also an easy fix- calamine lotion and gloves to prevent itching. Then, he should remember to get the shingles vaccine when he's older because I guess once you've had the chicken pox it means the shingle virus is already inside of you.
4) The pistol that shoots jelly instead of water- this toy is basically screwed because no parent will buy their kid a toy gun anymore. So his best bet is to either apply for a job at a jelly donut factory or to get a nice place and settle down on the island because he has legitimate cause to reside there.
5) The doll with absolutely no problem- I never understood her presence on the island, but after some good ol' Wikipedia reading, I learned that it may be psychological since she is crying throughout the special. So, her fix would be some therapy sessions to get over whatever issues she is dealing with. According to an NPR program: "Rudolph's producer, Arthur Rankin Jr., says Dolly's problem was psychological, caused from being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from feeling unloved."
6) The bird that swims instead of flies- stuffed animal birds never fly in the first place, so if he just has an image problem, he can visit a plastic surgeon to remove the fins (or a seamstress?)
7) An airplane that cannot fly- see above regarding toys not actually being able to do what their real counterparts can. Use some imagination, kids.
8) Toy boat that sinks- please see above again.
9) A cowboy who rides an ostrich- what is wrong with a cowboy wanting to elect a different mode of transportation?
Apparently there is also a scooter as part of the group, but no one can tell what is wrong with it.
I just solved all of their issues. Bam, I'm good.
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| Photo from halfassedproductions.com |
The weird griffin that rules the island needs to hire me to solve their issues so he can go be the monarch of a more reasonable kingdom. I already have a plan of action in place.
1) The Charlie in the Box- he claims his residence on the island is necessary as his name is not Jack, and logically no child would want to play with him. Despite this flawed reasoning, it is still an easy fix- head down to the county courthouse and set up an appointment to legally change his name to Jack. Done. Next?
 |
| Courtesy of fadtoys.com |
2) The train with square-shaped back wheels- ever heard of sandpaper?
3) The elephant with spots- first of all, who the hell cares? If the problem is simply aesthetic, it's not actually an issue at all- kids these days play with the weirdest stuffed animals I have ever seen. Purple dogs, green cats with blue spots... heck, they would probably line up begging Santa for a pink-spotted elephant. If the issue is medical and he has chicken pox, also an easy fix- calamine lotion and gloves to prevent itching. Then, he should remember to get the shingles vaccine when he's older because I guess once you've had the chicken pox it means the shingle virus is already inside of you.
4) The pistol that shoots jelly instead of water- this toy is basically screwed because no parent will buy their kid a toy gun anymore. So his best bet is to either apply for a job at a jelly donut factory or to get a nice place and settle down on the island because he has legitimate cause to reside there.
5) The doll with absolutely no problem- I never understood her presence on the island, but after some good ol' Wikipedia reading, I learned that it may be psychological since she is crying throughout the special. So, her fix would be some therapy sessions to get over whatever issues she is dealing with. According to an NPR program: "Rudolph's producer, Arthur Rankin Jr., says Dolly's problem was psychological, caused from being abandoned by her mistress and suffering depression from feeling unloved."
6) The bird that swims instead of flies- stuffed animal birds never fly in the first place, so if he just has an image problem, he can visit a plastic surgeon to remove the fins (or a seamstress?)
7) An airplane that cannot fly- see above regarding toys not actually being able to do what their real counterparts can. Use some imagination, kids.
8) Toy boat that sinks- please see above again.
9) A cowboy who rides an ostrich- what is wrong with a cowboy wanting to elect a different mode of transportation?
Apparently there is also a scooter as part of the group, but no one can tell what is wrong with it.
I just solved all of their issues. Bam, I'm good.
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