Willie Nelsons

No, that is not a misprint in the title. I do not DO misprints, sheesh. And I am so humble and modest about my lack of misprints, too. Ahem... back to the point of this whole blog. Willie NelsonS. Plural.

Last Friday, I went with the band Intuit to Crestone to attend a festival called Crest Fest. Clever, right? I mean, it is totally a catchy name. After a charming four-hour car ride there, we went to the artist check-in counter and the lady putting on our bracelets was a bit overwhelmed and kind of overlooked the fact that I was not in the band. So, I walked in there wearing a musician bracelet.

I'm sure a lot of you are at a complete and total loss as to why that would be exciting. BECAUSE, of course, the bracelet was the golden (okay, orange) ticket into the land of backstage, the mysterious world where musicians get to chill before and after their sets. The backstage area was magical in multiple ways. First, there were free massages. Second, there was an enormous table with an impressive spread of grub. From pluots to peaches, sandwiches filled with any lunch meat you can imagine (unless you have some super bizarre imagination. Tone it down guys, there were no giraffe sandwiches), brownies, cookies, coffee, iced tea, the works. The only thing that the backstage area lacked was a sexy man to hand feed me grapes while two others fanned me.

I know you are all in anxiety inducing suspense about the Willie Nelsons. So, this was a rather small festival, in the middle of Hippieville Colorado, nestled in a field surrounded by mountains. So, naturally, it drew in a certain crowd. The crowd consisted of a shocking amount of men who looked exactly like Mr. Nelson, especially when you consider the low-ish amount of attendees (not because it was a lame-o festival but because it was just tiny). At first I thought I was just seeing the same guy over and over but then I started noticing that they were wearing different outfits.

Not as unique as you thought, Mr. N!

The amount of Willie look-a-likes truly threw me for a loop. I mean, I always considered him a rather unique looking character. However, by the end of the night I counted at LEAST seven of them, and who knows, there very well may have been more.

Pondering Yoga Poses

Chaturanga dandasana. Exhale! Downward-facing dog!

All you yogis out there most likely feel sweet relief from downward-facing dog (or down dog for short), a "restful, home-base posture" allowing you to refocus on your practice and reset your breath. Some of you probably do down dogs at home for a good stretch and for some relaxation. Some of you may quickly deem it your favorite yoga posture.

For me, downward-facing dog is agony. I freaking hate that posture. Honestly, the primary reason I practice hot yoga or Bikram yoga most frequently is that it doesn't have that horrendous posture. Aside from the fact that it sends shooting pains through my shoulders (okay, okay, a bit dramatic there...it just doesn't feel pleasant), I apparently just can't get it right. During a good 25% of the classes I take I am corrected by some way or another by an instructor. Sometimes they pull my hips up and back. Sometimes they push on my heels to get them to touch the mat.

Yes, I passionately hate down dog. None of you will believe this, but I also hate child's pose, another allegedly "restful" posture. I admit I am strange when it comes to my likes and dislikes of yoga postures. Let's continue, shall we? Maybe in list form from now on.

Yoga Postures Listed from My Least Favorite to Favorite
(Disclaimer: this list doesn't contain every yoga pose in existence. Not even close)

1) Downward-facing dog (just thinking about it makes me wince)

Doesn't this look RELAXING?? No.

2) Half-moon (Ardha candrasana)

Worst thing ever. But makes good abs.

3) High to low plank (Chaturanga dandasana)

 

Because we all LOVE planks!

4) Standing Head to Knee (Dandayamana-Janushirasana)
Basically I just can't figure this one out. My balance is just that bad.

Yep, I can only get to step one.

5) Standing Separate Leg Head to Knee Pose (Dandayamana-Bibhaktapada-Janushirasana)

Can't...breathe...so...awful....

6) Standing Bow Pose (Dandayamana-Dhanurasana)
I have a love/hate relationship with standing bow pulling pose. Some days I rock it and others....not so much.

7) Plow (Halasana)

This seriously feels amazing.

8) Tree Pose (Tadasana)

 





















9) Camel Pose (Ustrasana)This is literally my "hangout pose." It's relaxing and fun and feels awesome.

10) Fixed Firm Pose (Supta-Vajrasana)

Okay I'm tired of looking up these pictures, but also, I HATE locust pose with a firey passion. I only do it because a teacher once told me that the postures you hate the most are the ones you need the most. Alright, fine.

Every Comedian Needs to Write a Book

I am in the middle of a phase. Not a strange fashion phase where I only wear clothing made of mink (death to all minks! [Totally joking, PETA, don't send your assassins for me]) or a depressive, Gothic phase (that already happened). It is a literary phase, in fact, that initiated when I decided to listen to Amy Poehler's book Yes Please on CD in the car. Her book was amazing, and essentially changed my life. She shows her vulnerability in this lovely chronicle of her life, admits to mistakes she has made, relishes in the joys she has experienced (motherhood, her career, etc.), and shares emotions that we all feel constantly (celebrities feel insecure too?! WHAT!?), all while making the reader/listener laugh out loud throughout (unless the reader/listener has no sense of humor whatsoever). After the final words on the final CD sifted through the speakers, lingered for a moment in my mind and disappeared, I suddenly felt motivated to read another comedian biography.

Thankfully, there are many. So, this phase may endure for quite some time, making my brief Gothic phase seem like a mere blip on the radar of life (also, can someone tell me if Gothic is capitalized??). My next choice was actually my first choice, but they were out of it at Barnes And Noble (it should be Barnes N' Noble, in my opinion, it's a bit catchier. Whatever, they will probably go out of business soon. Not like I'm hoping for that). So I apologize to Amy Poehler- her book was my second choice after Tina Fey's Bossypants, only because everyone in my life ranted and raved about its unparalleled excellence on the hilarity scale.

I have to say, however, before moving on to the Bossypants reading experience, that I am so freaking happy that I read Yes Please because it re-motivated me to watch Parks and Recreation, the hilarious show in which Amy Poehler is the main character, from season 1 to 7 and I loved every second of my binge watching experience.

Anyways, I have to admit that reading Bossypants was an immensely enjoyable experience, I laughed so hard that it I attempted to read it while drinking the beverage would have shot through my nose (if that actually happens). To be honest though I wish I had gotten it on CD. Not that I am lazy, but I imagine hearing her actually read the words would have been fantastic, as it was in Amy Poehler's book.

Upon closing the back cover I once again felt that void that could only be filled by a book written by a comedian. Since I was watching Parks and Rec, I decided to check out Aziz Ansari's new book titled Modern Romance. I was taken aback at first noticing that it was not simply a comedian recalling life experiences or making observations about life but a research piece on how the dating world has changed so drastically over the recent years. I was irritated at first thinking that it would be like reading a dry research essay- I bought a comedian's book so I could LAUGH, damn it! But to my pleasant surprise, it was a gut buster as well as extremely informative. I closed the back cover literally minutes ago and loved every page. Another life changer.

What's next? Nick Offerman's book, of course!

Lyrics: Useful, or Mental Clutter?

The other day, I was scrounging around in my parents' house for a blank CD and came upon the Mount Everest of CD stacks. They were not blank, however, but a collection of mix CDs made throughout my middle and high school years. I decided to go down memory lane and popped CD after CD, some terribly scratched, into my car's CD player. The vast majority of the tracks I hadn't heard in years and years, and yet I noticed that I had the majority of the lyrics memorized word for word. On some occasions, I began singing along to a song perfectly and could not even remember its name or who was the singer or group.

This got me thinking...

The storage space in my brain dedicated to 80's, 90's and early 2000's music including that of Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, Seether, Bush, and Lifehouse (to name a very select few) along with soundtracks from various movies, classic rock tunes, and some numbers from famous musicals must be the absolute largest of all mental storage spaces in my brain. I mean, how is it fair that I can remember all the words to "Come What May" from Moulin Rouge without hearing it for years but I can't remember information from my nutrition class one week ago?

Maybe the key is just to put all information I wish to truly store forever into a catchy tune. Honestly, that would probably work. One of my elementary teachers had us sing multiplication tables to kids tunes and I can STILL remember that almost twenty years later. So all you professors out there, perhaps it is time to conduct your lectures entirely in song. If nothing else, it would be incredibly entertaining.

WTF, George R.R. Martin?!

Two precursors to the main content of this blog, my thoughts on the series finale of Game of Thrones: one, MAJOR SPOILER ALERT. I know how touchy fans can get over spoilers so if you're one of those people, read no further. Second, if you know nothing about Game of Thrones (you know nothin' Jon Snow!) like that parenthesized reference, for example, this post will make less sense to you than listening to an alphabet recited backwards in a foreign language. So, if you aren't familiar, you should probably spend the time it would take to read this blog doing something else. Literally, anything else. Can't think of anything? Some suggestions: clean the floor under your fridge, or organize its contents and chuck the expired stuff. Can't think of the last time you did those things? Yeah, that's what I thought. Get crackin', or that ten-year-old salad dressing growing mold in the back of your fridge will make someone sick.

Okay, you've been warned. Spoilers start below this line.

So, Jon Snow is dead. Jon. Snow. Come ON, George R.R. Martin! Man, that guy doesn't just break our hearts like your first significant other in your teenage years (trust me all you adolescents reading this, that's just the beginning), he really reaches in there slowly and gruesomely removes your heart through your chest and then does a Mexican hat dance around it while laughing maniacally. That is one of his major skills as a storyteller. It's quite vicious actually; he makes us love his characters as if they were real, and then he rips them our of our lives in the most horrific ways imaginable. Thankfully, I knew from the get go about the upcoming demise of so many beloved Starks in The Red Wedding episode. No one's death shocked me after that, but for some naive reason, I figured our beloved Jon was immune. He was too good, too pure, too wonderful, too compassionate and far too sexy to ever die! George Martin wouldn't be THAT evil, would he?! Oh yes, it seems, he would. I guess he likes to make people cry. Watching his death was sadder than watching those depressing, homeless pet videos featuring Sarah McLaughlin.

Jon Snow after a bunch of assholes stabbed him in the gut. R.I.P., I love you.

 George R.R. Martin also makes us put up with the scummiest, most twisted villains imaginable for far, too long (Ramsay Bolton, anyone?!). At least Joffrey got it.

The other skill at which Mr. Martin excels is making us pity those we never thought pitiable. If you told me that I would EVER feel bad for Cersei I'd never have believed you until the season 5 finale. I mean, she CRIED and had to walk naked back to the castle while people called her a slut and other variations of that word while throwing food at her. Come ON, you can't not feel bad for her! Same goes for Theon Greyjoy, now Reek- sorry, but if someone gets tortured in that way, even if they are your worst enemy, you feel bad for them. 

Anyway, after all the emotional bullshit watching Game of Thrones has put me through, I've decided to throw in the towel and root for the White Walkers. I hope that their first victims are the High Sparrows and the members of the Night's Watch. That I'd like to see.

Rootin for you guys!

Songs That Sound Like Other Songs

These days, nothing that comes on the radio sounds "new" to me. Nothing is exceptionally mind-blowingly (yes, I just created that word) original (except for Ed Sheeran, he is the god of music). I'm not bashing pop artists of today by any means. I still listen to those stations baring generic tune after generic tune and I acknowledge that there are only so many notes in the scale, only so many chord progressions, and so songs are often bound to sound similar.

However, many artists are protective of their work, and get at each others' throats metaphorically for "copying" their songs. For example, click here for a long list of songs that are essentially the same. Robin Thicke recently got into some trouble for his song "Blurred Lines" which sounds exactly like Marvin Gaye's "Got To Give It Up," and he actually got in trouble for it. I'm fine with that because "Blurred Lines" is pretty terrible. If by some cosmic freak incident Robin Thicke is reading this, no offense, man.

Anyways, recently I discovered how much of a genius Taylor Swift truly is. While listening to her new album, I realized that two of the tracks, "Bad Blood" and "Wonderland," sound the exact same during certain parts. She has discovered how to copy other music! Just copy your own and tweak it slightly! I mean what is she going to do, sue herself? Yeah, didn't think so. Anyway, listen for yourself.

Age Of Ultron Doesn't Live up to Avengers Potential

I just want to kick off my review of The Avengers: Age of Ultron with a question to my readers. Am I the only one who is sick of the whole Russian/Eastern European villain thing? Like, I feel very over it. Let's try to diversify with the villains at this point, filmmakers! I guess some of them have branched out and decided to make those from the Middle East the enemy but still... When will we see the bad-ass villain from Greenland?

There were aspects of the relationships in the movie that simply didn't seem to contribute anything at all to the plot. The odd romantic moments between Marc Ruffalo and Scarlett Johansson were awkward to say the least, and, let's admit it, a pairing that would just never happen in a billion years.

In regards to the plot, it just wasn't as original as I'd hoped it would be. Artificial intelligence trying to take over the world? Hasn't that been done countless times, even recently? Then again, I suppose pretty much everything has been done already at this point.

I'm not going to sit here and point out flaw after flaw. The 2 hour and 21 minutes run time hardly felt long at all, which is really saying something. I was so engaged during the action scenes and the personal interactions amongst the characters that my short attention span didn't really get to me. Even the cheesy one-liners that were a little too corny for my taste didn't bother me. Plus, Thor is really attractive so that in itself made the movie for me.

Yum.