Gwyneth Overload

It seemed that my writing about Gwyneth Paltrow yesterday induced a an avalanche of her presence to come careening into my life. After blogging about her multitude of talents, I thought I was Gwynethed-out for the day. However, later that evening my friends and I decided to rent a movie, so I headed to the nearest Redbox to see what it had to offer. The choices were nothing to light sparklers and jump up and down about, but there were a few titles that I had been wanting to check out. Among them was Contagion, a film about a new deadly virus which spreads quickly and easily and is seemingly unstoppable. I can't think of a better way to spend a Saturday night than finding out if a vaccine will be developed or if the human race will fall.

Of course, the first actress to make an appearance is, guess who? My dear friend Gwyneth! Not looking so hot either, we got to watch a good ol' autopsy performed on her dead body (she was the one who started the spread of the virus- nice going). Not a "behind a curtain, you don't see anything" autopsy either- we had the privelage of seeing her scalp pulled down over her face. That makes for some nice dreams. After the movie, which was very good, I might add, I went home and decided to choose a DVD from my friend's collection which she had lent me. I was told that I must watch The Royal Tennenbaums so I put that in the DVD player. And, guess who is one of the main characters? Reese Witherspoon. Just kidding, it was Gwyneth. That movie was amazing as well- the lack of quality films I have seen saddens me.

It's not that I have anything against her. I just think it is creepily coincidental that right after blogging about her she was in the two movies I saw later. Maybe the universe is trying to tell me something, like that I should name my kid Apple.

Not her shining moment...

Multi-Faceted Celebs

Let me begin by saying that the movie Crazy Heart sat on my desk shelf unwatched for far too long. There was a period of time in my life where I was a bit irresponsible and would often buy pre-viewed DVDs at movie rental stores even if I had not seen them just because I assumed I would like them and because they were cheap. That has led to quite a build up of unseen films in my room, and let me just say that they take up a lot of space. Anyways, that side note aside, Crazy Heart was a worthy purchase, and it brought up yet again the subjects of celebrities that just seem able to "do it all".

I think the worst offender of this category of celebrities is Gwyneth Paltrow. She sang that song "Crusin' Together" or whatever it is called (and the songs in Country Strong), she had that show where she traveled around Spain and ate their best cuisine (which is when we discovered that she is fluent in Spanish, of course), wrote a cookbook that everyone just raves about (OMG, it's better than Martha Stewart!), successfully hosted SNL (emphasis on SUCCESSFULLY, there have been some painful hosts), and of course, is an accomplished actress. Oh right, and she is married to the lead singer of Coldplay. That makes her a wife, mother, actress, singer, writer, Spanish-speaker, world-traveler, comedian and also really sexy. I guess the only area where she falls short is her ability to name children. Apple? Really? That is just unsalvageable- there are no normal nicknames that can be derived from that.

What does Gwyneth have to do with the movie Crazy Heart? Nothing at all. But that movie contains some more multi-talented celebrities. I never knew Jeff Bridges could sing. Sure, he is no Frank Sinatra, but he can definitely carry a tune. And even more surprising was Colin Farrell. Seriously? He has an angelic voice, which seems highly uncharacteristic when you consider that he is always getting in trouble for drugs and getting with women. Or maybe I am thinking of Charlie Sheen. Or both. Anyways, at least Colin can sing to make up for it.


Ok Gwyneth, you are awesome. We get it.

RyanOrbitz

That would be the name of the ugly lovechild which would result from the union of Ryanair and Orbitz. I think of myself as generally level headed but was almost driven to the point of insanity where I would have needed to be wheeled away in a straight jacket.

Orbitz is a sneaky little rat of a company. For one thing, they make their complaint department's contact information so hard that it seems much like an astronaut in a space station trying to pinpoint the exact location of a microscopic organism with the naked eye. Even after plundering through every link on their website, I still had to resort to online chatting with a representative to ask for the address. Seriously? They have to know that their service sucks harder than a Miele vacuum (man, vacuum is the weirdest looking word) to go to that much trouble. I guess they figure that this way they have less of an avalanche of incoming mail because most people won't want to make the effort to find the address. In case anyone else wants to rant and rave to Orbitz about their service which makes French waiters look good, here is where you can send a letter:

500 W. Madison, Suite 1000 Chicago, Illinois 60661.

I'm sure you all want to hear about my oh-so-pleasant experience about how Orbitz rubbed me the wrong way so without further ado...

I spent an accumulation of over three hours with around 5 different customer service agents over the two days, and had seldom been more frustrated in my life. The purpose of my call to this department was to make a simple change to my flight itinerary, and to leave earlier than I had originally scheduled. The first agent I contacted to make this change informed me that I would need to cancel my entire reservation, which included two other flights (it was a multi-city itinerary), and then buy a new one. She told me that a refund would be issued to me for the first ticket in 45 days, which is a significant amount of time to wait for such a large amount of money, but I accepted and told her that I was alright with that. She found a new itinerary which was acceptable to me, and then placed me on hold to complete the transaction. I was on hold for around 15 minutes and the call was dropped. I waited about 10 minutes and received no return phone call, so I called again and was placed with a different agent. I explained what happened, and he told me something completely different than the first agent- that I would need to make these changes with United. He then told me that he would get a United customer service agent for me and transfer the call. He placed me on hold, and I had to hang up after 30 minutes because I never got a response.

At this point, I was getting frustrated to the degree that trying to do a 9x9 Rubiks cube would put me at, so I was pleased when I was connected with an agent who finally, it seemed, knew what she was doing. She said that she was sorry for the inconvenience and that she could make the change easily to a flight two days earlier and just would have to charge me a change fee. I said I understood so she went ahead and made the change, so I thought that the whole ordeal was finally solved. However, the next morning I received an urgent message from Orbitz on my voice mail saying that I needed to call them about my reservation. I called and explained my situation, and I was placed on hold for about two hours while the agent attempted to sort out all of the issues. She then got back to me telling me that I needed to call United the next day to sort all of it out on my own. This was one of the most frustrating moments I have ever experienced.

Now, if Orbitz decided to start booking flights on the demons of the air Ryanair, it would bring frustrations to levels so high that doctors would have to start handing out Xanax as if it were candy just to keep people from breaking out in riots and killing each other. That, or the world would implode.

Baby's First Card

While purusing the card selection at Target, I couldn't help but notice that there is a specific card for "baby's first (insert special occasion here". This seems silly for a plethora of reasons. First of all, as the card is read to its recipient baby, he/she will have no reaction whatsoever to the card and its contents save for perhaps a couple of indecipherable noises or spitting up. Perhaps "baby's first" cards make sense if the parents save the card for when the child has reached an age where they can appreciate it. However, if they simply dispose of these cards, what is the point of buying them? That is 2.95 (sometimes more, cards these days seem more overpriced than Spanish saffron) not very well spent.

Cards these days also are extremely over-specific. I am a firm believer that card companies are inventing new holidays just for the hell of it to up their annual earnings. I can just see those big wig card company folks sitting around one of those conference tables laughing maniacally and rubbing their pudgy hands together as they decide to start making cards which celebrate blue whale day. Though I guess that would make PETA happy. I also visualize these greeting card conspirators wearing Bugsy-Malone style pinstripe suits, just in case you wanted futher clarification of just how I was imagining them.

Let's face it- as Americans, we are spoiled with far too many choices. I almost wish that there would be just one card option for us to pick. It should not have to be so complicating- balloons on the front, Happy Birthday inside. Bam. Simplicity at its best. I have lost hours of my life attempting to select the perfect card. They have gotten far too specific with subsections of subsections for each holiday. To grandfather from granddaughter. To great aunt from great nephew. I would not be surprised if they start introducing categories like "to random woman from creepy stalker" or "to second cousin twice removed". When will this insanity end?

I am pretty sure that this extremely messy baby with an awkward tuft of blonde hair does not care about this card.

Losing Clementine

If Clementine, the lovable protagonist of Losing Clementine were to describe herself, she would likely string together some self-complimentary words laced with profanities (such as "f***ing hilarious"), but would also be sure to note that she was suicidal as well. The plot sounds exceptionally grim: it follows the preparations of artist Clementine Pritchard for her suicide. She has decided that she has exhausted every other option and is ready to check out early, so she begins work on her final piece of artwork and gives herself 30 days to take care of all that would need taking care of.

Losing Clementine is fast-paced, witty, entertaining and humbling and includes elements of humanity alongside the plethora of humor. The reader gets to be right in the middle of all of Clementine's thoughts and form a connection with her which makes her terribly missed after the back cover closes.

Sure, it may not be the next great American classic novel. But it is perfect for a quick and enjoyable literary experience.

Trapezoid-ish Shape of Friends

When you spend hours upon end hanging out with the characters of a novel, parting with them is, as they say, such sweet sorrow (emphasis on the sorrow when the hours were well-spent). In the case of Circle of Friends by Maeve Binchy, I was pretty bummed that I would no longer be able to have an outlet for my inner voyeurist by glimpsing into the minds of Nan, Jack, Benny and Eve (to name just a few of her colorful characters).

The plot summary on the back of the book reads almost like a slightly less "fluffy" version of a young adult melodrama, not straying too far from novels like Confessions of a Shopaholic. Binchy has immense skill when it comes to interweaving seemingly unrealated threads of a story into an intriguing literary tapestry. What begins as a simple story involving only a few prominent characters including the protagonist, Benny Hogan, slowly builds and builds until it involves all of the residents of a small town in Ireland as well as a good deal of students from a university in Dublin. I'm fairly certain that an experienced spider would have difficulty weaving a web of interconnected threads with such skill.

The plot comes off as simple enough- it is the tale of Benny, an Irish girl brought up in a one-horse town in Ireland called Knockglen, who heads off to University in Dublin and meets a new circle of friends (hence the title). However, despite this simplicity, it is full of juicy elements to hook the reader- love and lust, ultimate betrayal, friendship and loyalty, and everything else that humanity is based on. Her hometown and its inhabitants clash in dramatic ways which we see coming and those which we don't, with those of Dublin. One of the best parts of the book are when we know what is going on in the mind of certain characters and no one else does. This happens rather often throughout, and keeps the reader on the edge of their seat. All of the drama and complexities between all of the relationships among the characters lead me to think that their "circle" is more like a shape with many more sides.

I am not sure if too many male readers would enjoy this book, but it certainly was a great read without a dull moment. I heard that it was made into an abomination of a movie which was an embarrassment to the novel, so I don't think I will be checking that one out anytime soon.

I'll Never Let Go

You can say whatever you want about the film Titanic, but I contest that it is a truly remarkable cinematic feat. Call it cheesy, corny, sappy, melodramatic, or any other somewhat offensive adjective that you want, but I think that we can all come to the consensus that it is immensely powerful, especially when you consider that the sinking of the Titanic really happened. I have seen Titanic at least 10 times in its three hour entirety, and about 10 more times where I watch just the first half, meaning I have spent about 45 hours of my life poring over this film. It has never affected me in the way that it did on the big screen, however; and that would have been the case no matter what dimmension it was in.

Tomorrow will mark the centennial of the sinking of the Titanic. Therefore, it is being widely discussed on all forms of media- newspapers, radio stations, magazines and television channels are all running some sort of special piece to commemorate this event. And so many of these specials ask why it is that THIS event captivates us so immensely. I mean honestly, other ships sank and more people died, so why aren't we still talking about those tragedies so many yeaers later? The sheer irony of the situation is one of the contributing factors- the sinking of the "unsinkable". Hubris comes into play on that same note- in this way, Titanic is much like a Greek tragedy. Act cocky, and the stronger forces will get you for it.

The film emphasizes the stories and characters associated with the tragedy as well. You have the villains- Mr. Ismay, the cowardly designer who insisted that the last boilers be lit to make headlines upon a quicker arrival and then snuck onto a lifeboat in order to survive. Personally, I cannot imagine a life after committing such a cowardly deed. Then there are the heroes- true accounts like the young man who turned 18 on the voyage and therefore insisted that he was no longer a child, but a man, and gave up his seat on a lifeboat for a woman. Stories of women refusing to take a seat on a lifeboat in order to stay behind with the men that they loved. The captain, who was making what would have been his last voyage before retirement, who bravely went down with the ship. The humble creator of the ship, Mr. Andrews, who also went down with the vessel that he acknowledged to be flawed.

This, perhaps, is why the film is so powerful. It takes these characters and stories, both real and imagined, and shows us what it was like. It is these horrific events that make people reveal their true colors. How would we act in those scenarios? The people on the ship were so segregated just by class, but where did that get them in the end? Sleeping in elegant, four-poster beds turned down by maids as opposed to a bunk bed in steerage did not guarantee survival- 1500 individuals died in the North Atlantic on that night.

The movie also makes you think about the complete unknown that every single day presents and want to take Jack's advice- to make each one count. Things can change in an instant so cherish time with the ones you love. Seeing Titanic on the big screen is well worth the 12 dollars, and something that I highly recommend. Plus, I do not think there is a more romantic love story out there. When Rose jumps out of the lifeboat to be with Jack my heart does a sommersault.

Seriously- is anything more romantic than this scene?