Monday, June 30, 2014

Fact vs. Fiction

Generally portrayed in film and on television as romantic, fun, sexy, or some other pleasant adjective, the following are just a few examples of things that are, in reality, just the opposite.

1) Sitting in the grass under a tree: every typical college student portrayed on screen does their most productive studying under a big, beautiful tree in an emerald green field in the middle of campus. Well, every sitting-under-tree experience I've ever had ended absolutely terribly to the point I will most likely never sit under a tree or even in the grass ever again. Countless times, insects have attacked me from above, falling from their leafy homes above. Today, ants crawled up the leg of my pants unbeknownst to me and bit me all along my calf, leaving a nice trail of mosquito-like itchy bites to remind me of the pleasant encounter. After sitting about 15 minutes in the grass, I was covered in bits of foliage and ants managed to make their way into practically every article of clothing I had on and into every crevasse of my body.
Watch For Falling Insects
2) Holding Hands with Your Sweetheart: Why does this look so romantic in movies? Probably because while the lovebirds clasp hands, there is romantic instrumental music accompanying their actions and it occurs during some lovey-dovey montage portraying the highlights of their perfect partnership. Let's be real for a minute. When you're in love, you don't really care, but no one can deny the sweaty, slippery, nasty mess created by clasping your palm against another's while intertwining fingers. It is gross, period.
Clammy, sweaty, gross

3) Riding in a Car with the Top Down: I can't even imagine the amount of hairspray used to hold up those coiffed, magically flowing, fairy princess hairdos of actresses in convertibles. The reality is quite simply the opposite in every way- you put up your hair all nice and your makeup and it is nice out so why not get in a car with the top down beside a sexy, muscly man? Well, mostly because gust of wind after gust of wind blast you mercilessly in the face and leave you with a humongous rats nest that would easily outdo Marge Simpson's 'do in a crazy hair contest. The practice of riding in a car with the top down also causes your eyes to produce more liquid than Niagara falls leaving them bloodshot and irritated once at your destination. You can also end up with bugs in your face. Charming, really.

4) Riding on the Back of a Motorcycle: See above. About ten times worse.

No, it is NOT this wistful
5) Working Out: every time you see an actor or actress working out in a movie, they look like they are having the best time, grinning from ear to ear while running through a park or having a nice conversation with their mat neighbor in yoga. The alternative is only seen in comedies, where the characters take it to the other end of the spectrum and are falling over or otherwise over-exaggerating their lack of gracefulness.

This is how I look when I run, too....

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