I Don't Feel in Need of a Cold Shower...

Fifty Shades of Grey is an erotic novel. It says so right on the back cover, warning potential readers of the "mature content" within. Yes, I admit, it goes into extreme depth graphically describing sex scenes between the two main characters, Ana Steele and Christian Grey. Yet, at one point, I wanted to scream "enough, already!" I just wanted them to do something normal, like go out to dinner or see a movie. Even the most extreme nymphomaniacs don't spend 24/7 tangled up in the sheets or doing it in the tub. After 10 straight pages or so dragging on and on describing sexual encounter following sexual encounter, I must admit I am ready for a change.

Even the most graphic, well-written descriptions of sex (which these aren't), can drag on way, way too long. In my opinion, anyways...

The things that get Ana Steele "turned on" confuse me a bit as well. There is a scene where she talks about how bad she wants to use his toothbrush because it would be like having his mouth in hers or something equally gross. Sorry, but in what universe is using someone else's toothbrush sexy? Maybe she has a secret fantasy of doing it in a dentist's chair, too. And in reference to her point about "having his mouth inside hers," weren't their seemingly endless make-out session the night prior enough to satiate this desire? 

About every other sentence (okay, slight exaggeration, it's more like once or twice every page), Ana "bites her lower lip" which "drives Christian crazy" and makes him want to jump her bones on the spot. After the first few mentions of her weird lip-biting habit, I got really frustrated reading about it. But it just NEVER, EVER ENDS! I want to reach into the book and rip the phrases about her lip biting right off the page. Anyone who has read it knows to what I refer. 

Also, I am really unsure about the actor they chose to play Christian. He is supposed to be a hunky, super-ripped, chiseled sex god. I mean, the guy they chose is certainly attractive, but not quite to that degree, in my opinion. I would have been way happier with JT. Look at this smoldering gaze. 

These are just my opinions after reading the first half or so. I may throw in the towel and quit before the end, but I feel like since I made this much effort, I better just be a trooper and follow through. I mean, I did spend a whole three dollars on it at a used book store... that is QUITE the investment... 

Penis...description...overload...

Boulder and D.C. Couldn't Be More Different

Differences between the D.C. area and Boulder, CO:

1) "Recycling" is not a familiar term to inhabitants of the nation's capital. Whereas those who do not compost are generally subject to scrutiny form the environmentalists comprising Boulder's population, I'd bet that the majority of D.C. residents do not even know what composting is, nor have the option to do so.

Yeah... you're not getting these options in D.C. 

2) There is this crazy thing called "diversity" in D.C. as opposed to in Boulder where everyone is a slightly different shade of white. Pale white, slight olive-hued but still white skin, white with freckles...Here, I am often the only Caucasian on the bus or in a restaurant or in the gym and I love it. Variety is the spice of life, after all.

This is diversity in Boulder... I guess the guy in the front is slightly tan?

3) Sidewalks randomly end. It is seriously perturbing, especially for runners like me. There seems to be no rhyme or reason as to why they end, but right when you least expect it, the sidewalk just disappears, perhaps into some other dimension comprised entirely of the last portions of D.C. and Northern Virginia sidewalks.

That looks about right... 

4) Gluten free? Dairy free? Huh?? I've sporadically seen some gluten free items along the shelves of markets here, but asking for dairy free in a restaurant receives an eyebrow raise from the waiter and a completely baffled look. Chances are, if they say it is a dairy-free dish, you're probably going to get some anyway.



5) Pedestrians beware! In Boulder, anyone traveling on foot can basically step in front of an 18-wheeler without even glancing both ways and the truck will come to a screeching halt. Here, a pedestrian can be mid-intersection DURING a WALK SIGNAL and still provoke honk after honk from angry cars trying to turn right and having to wait a whole ten seconds for someone to cross the street. You could easily get struck by a car and it would not be a big surprise to anyone. 

I Love a Good Buzz

I am currently entangled in the emotional throes of a love/hate relationship. This one is a budding one; I am not about to delve into my other similar relationship with running. That was on the cover of the Marisa tabloids AGES ago. No, no- the latest celebrity news reports are swarming like cluster flies (Phish reference) over my relationship with the website BuzzFeed. I devote hours, literally, just staring glaze-eyed at the website, my mind absorbing hilarious photos of cats and sloths thus triggering my laughter response when I am sitting in a quiet office. Whoops. But we can all concede the attractive and alluring nature of my new love. 

Yes, I LOVE BuzzFeed. The hate portion of my divided feelings directed at the website stems from the HOURS upon HOURS it sucks away from my life. Yet, I am still unconvinced that looking at cats and sloths and learning who my celebrity family would be and the degree to which I fear clowns is actually a bad way to spend my time.

I do believe I have just reasoned myself into removing hate as an emotion that I associate with BuzzFeed. No, I will not pursue our burgeoning love in the shadows. Without my dear new BF, who would have told me that paper toilet seat covers are also face oil removers? Who would have told me you can put nail polish on a mosquito bite to kill the itch? And more importantly, who would have shown me the 21 pictures of Ed Sheeran being unbearably adorable?? They even have an article combining the two best categories on its site: cats and Ed Sheeran. Combine Ed and sloths and they would truly be unstoppable. 

Writing this blog proved challenging, because, guess what? BuzzFeed was distracting me from writing about BuzzFeed. Sorry guys, I gotta get back to reading the 24 important life lessons from D.J. Tanner from Full House...

Laugh at Yourself (Part 2)

Another one of those charming moments in life that is horrible as it happens but funny at a later point happened to me this morning. Pride engulfed me, however, when I found that I was able to laugh at the absurdity of the situation even in the midst of its occurrence.

This morning, I woke up at the butt crack of dawn as I spent the night in Maryland and needed to high tail it to work early in hopes of beating the dreaded D.C. beltway traffic. I arrived a bit before 7:00 at the metro parking garage in as decent a mood as one can be running off so little sleep. I relished the idea of so much leisure time before work- I envisioned myself sitting in a café and reading the paper in preparation for a Monday of work.

This fantasy of a calm and relaxing morning came to a careening halt within mere seconds, however. As I descended the stairs of the parking garage, I realized that my absentmindedness brought on by lack of sleep caused me to forget to change shoes. Unfortunately, flip flops are not exactly work attire, so I dashed back up the stairs to my car to change shoes.

To understand this anecdote completely, I need to share some background information. Until recently, the automatic lock feature functioned on all four doors of my car. Recently, however, the one on the driver’s door stopped working when I tried to lock it from the outside by pushing the button on my key. I quickly adapted to this minor inconvenience, however, and began locking it from the inside once parked. That non-functional automatic lock really screwed me over this morning.

Okay, time to backtrack. Once I arrived at my car to change shoes, I popped the trunk but was dissatisfied with my footwear options. I remembered that the perfect pair for my outfit (wow, I just sounded so girly I can’t stand it) was in the passenger’s seat. Since the only way I can get into the car is to manually unlock the driver’s door, I did so, quickly grabbed the shoes, locked the door from the inside, as is now habit, and slammed the door shut. Then, I turned around and what did I see on the driver’s seat? Yes. My freakin’ keys. 

I should have just worn the flip flops to work. 

Yes, I do have three sets of keys to my car. Guess where set number two was? I am almost too embarrassed to admit this- in the center console. And the third? At the apartment, of course.

My heart jolted with hope when I remembered that I left the trunk open. I figured I could just push the seats forward or crawl through the little compartment into the main part of the car. What actually happened is I spent about 45 minutes looking like a total idiot hanging part way out of the trunk trying to use random objects in the trunk to unlock one of the rear doors.

The middle compartment was marginally too small for my whole body to fit through- the best I could do was squeeze my head and one arm through it. My first attempt to infiltrate the car was to try and push the back seats forward. After much struggle, I managed to undo the three latches securing the seats in the upright position. Yet even so, the seats wouldn’t budge. I looked through the back window to investigate.

This world is full of dark humor sometimes. The only way to get the seats down is with, you guessed it, the key. So plan B commenced with my using a strange metal object I found by the spare tire in the trunk to try and reach the lock in the back and push it up. Naturally, it was about an inch too short, so I tried to attach it to a pen in sheer desperation and to a few other objects I could find. Well, it turns out I couldn’t MacGyver myself out of that situation, so I finally caved and called AAA. If I had known from the get-go that AAA services are free, I would have called them prior to my prolonged display of idiocy.

One thing I found slightly discouraging was that not a single person offered to help me, and at least 15 to 20 cars drove by (it’s a popular garage). I mean, was not a single person concerned that there were legs clearly dangling out the back of a trunk? Maybe in their positions I would not have stopped either.

Let me conclude by saying that I am madly in love with AAA. The representative with whom I spoke was a super nice lady, and didn't even make fun of me when I offered to drive out of the parking garage to meet up with the driver to make it easier to find me. She reminded me that my keys being inside the car would make that a bit tricky...

They sent a guy over and he had the door opened in about five seconds flat. That freaked me out a little bit; what if a criminal were to secure a position as a AAA driver? That’s probably a wee bit paranoid of a thought. Well anyway, instead of being pouty over my lost hours of morning of café relaxation, I kept visioning my legs hanging out of the trunk and my head peeking out between the back seats and couldn’t help but chuckle. Oh, my life…

NOOOOOOO!

I Want to Look at the World, Not My Smart Phone

I hate to quote Lorde, but I’m going to do it anyway: “It’s a new art form showing people how little we care.”

Well, people in American society today have mastered this new art form. Instead of flashing a brief, understanding smile at our fellow passers-by, we glare with unbreakable stares at our Smart Phones and completely miss out on the world surrounding us. Realizing the immense level of our self-imposed detachment from interactions with other humans while waiting for and riding on the metro, I decided it was time for a change. At least, a change in my own life. Because, as Ganhi once said, "be the change you wish to see in the world." 

I decided on that day to spend my entire walk from the metro to the office looking up and forward instead of at my feet or my phone. The amount of new observances my eyes beheld astonished me. Every day prior, I walked past the largest, most vibrant pink Hibiscus that I had ever seen. Trust me, I’ve seen a good deal of them in my day from travel to Costa Rica. This particular one easily took first prize in the prettiest flower contest.

Hibiscus? Where? I was looking at my phone...

I also decided on that particular day to smile at people passing me by and actually hold the elevator door and wish my fellow riders a pleasant day as they departed for their floor or I departed for mine.

How sad is it that these acts of kindness were met with absolute shock? The woman for whom I held the elevator door thanked me profusely, saying that it was rare for people to do so and apologizing for "holding me up." I assured her it was no hold up whatsoever, and she smiled genuinely in my direction and bid me a good day as she left. 

The entire duration of the morning, my most simple acts of kindness lifted my spirits tenfold. I still feel strongly that I was born in the wrong time period. I cannot even fathom the degree to which Smart Phones and other devices will absorb their users' attentions like quicksand. I can only hope that people can take a moment or two to break away from these addictive devices that, let's face it, we don't really need. I mean, even about ten years ago they were not even around. 

Nature should not have to compete with stupid little phones for our attention, yet that is the case. Give it your love every once in a while, even just a quick glance can surely brighten your day. 

Disney Parks are SO not PC!

It's a little sad how greatly our society overreacts to things that are "not politically correct" today. For any example, just turn on the TV or look through the advertisements in a recent magazine. Standing side by side are an African-American woman, a young woman of undefined Asian descent, a blonde white guy, a dark-haired white girl, a mixed-race girl looking part Latina and part Native Eskimo, a pasty, albino-looking guy, a Latino guy... you get my point. It's like, yes, I understand that companies want to be diverse, but come on, that is a little over the top. Subtract two of those ethnicities and still no one will blame your company for not being substantially diverse.

Not diverse enough, guys....where is the Chinese woman?!

I feel like my appearance is SO underrepresented!! 

On the other end of the "politically correct" spectrum lies Disney Resorts. Let me begin with a disclaimer: I have absolutely nothing against Disney Parks. In fact, I love them with a fiery passion- the way they allow me to feel like a little kid again, the magic floating throughout the air surrounds visitors with an undeniable, charm that transports them to their carefree childhood days. Yet, for this visit to Disney World, the non-PC aspects of the park became glaringly obvious.

As for the rides, the prime offender is easily the "it's a small world" ride. I mean, wow. I almost hope that it does not exist at the Disney Parks in Shanghai, Japan and Hong Kong. Like, at least at the Florida and California parks the American animatronic doll things aren't sitting around a pickup truck eating burgers and hot dogs with bald eagles on their shoulders and gloating about how the United States is the best country in the world. I mean really, what does this ride teach little kids? That all Parisians are can-can dancers, all Japanese women are geishas (I'm noticing a prostitution theme), all Mexicans wear sombreros and play the guitar and Australians are Aboriginals and best friends with kangaroos and koalas. I mean, OBVIOUSLY!

Yikes. How has no one in our lawsuit-obsessed nation not tried to wring some dollars out of the Disney company which has a billion dollar plus revenue each year? People in the US LOVE to sue the pants of off anyone they can, yet only one person that I know of has sued Disney over the small world ride because he got stuck on it and claimed emotional distress from hearing the song over and over. The guy won money though, so hey, kudos to him.

The portion of this Kyle Cease video starting at 52 minutes is the most hilariously accurate thing I have ever heard:

The Trouble with Modern Air Travel

Flying, the dreaded mode of travel for many, can lead to substantial irritation to put it mildly. Delayed flights, seats seemingly designed for the comfort of a leprechaun or small child, and overpriced food and drink are just a few things about which the majority of customers complain, despite being the new normal.

I pity those working in the customer service positions for airlines today. Seriously, I tip my hat as a former customer service employee to all of them. Working in that capacity for the air travel industry would be a new type of Hell, I image, that would easily trump the working for the food and hospitality industry. The people that airline employees deal with on the regular, generally in a cool and calm manner, redefine rude and need to attend extended classes at Cotillion in the worst way.

This is how customer service employees WANT to react to irritating people...

I concede that I have complained numerous times in the past in re unfortunate flight experiences. However, I always do so in a more or less polite manner, generally via a thoughtfully written e-mail, and I never do so over factors that the airline cannot control. Previous complaints of mine include poor treatment by an airline employee or huge mistakes such as insisting that I did not have a seat on a flight back to the states from Canada, where I was connecting, despite having my confirmation number. Those, I like to think, are legit and merit complaint. However, I have seen some crazy Jekyll and Hyde moments in airports around the world. At Washington National Airport here in D.C., I was in line to board my flight to Orlando when I beheld a rather frightening reaction by a lady waiting for a flight to Boston. At the information desk at the gate for the Boston flight, an airline employee stepped up to the PA microphone and announced that due to the extremely dangerous storm pommeling the north east coast, their flight would be delayed for three hours.

I’m sure that people around the world could hear the collective gasp produced by those waiting at that gate. The mad uproar began with only a select few keeping their calm. One woman stood out from the rest by displaying an extremely unreasonable reaction to the news. She jolted from her seat like a jumping bean and screamed “WHAT?!” in a voice brimming with ire after the employee concluded her announcement. She stormed up to the customer service agents and began expressing her displeasure. I half expected a torch and pitchfork to materialize in her hand from the sheer anger manifested on her face. The customer service kept her cool better than an air conditioner in the arctic. She even seemed to have mastered the fake smile while internally not-caring. I imagine her thoughts while dealing with women like that...

This reaction made me realize how ridiculous people can get over things that cannot be controlled whatsoever. Nature, the grand reminder that we humans are not always in control, dealt her a bad hand and she couldn’t handle it. Complaining about a deadly storm interrupting your travel plans is a completely fruitless waste of energy and a way to unnecessarily ruin the airline employee’s day. Yes, how DARE the airline not use its magic weather control gun to blast the storm away from Boston! Do these companies not realize that their customers have PLANS?! 

OH PLEASE NO!!!!!! NOT A DELAY!!!!!

Louis CK says it best in his bit about the ridiculous nature of the complaints made by today's generation. Lots of language, but hilarious...

Prior to my flight to Orlando, Florida, I had never had the pleasure of flying with JetBlue. What a lovely, underrated airline! Actually, on second thought, I cannot call them “underrated” as I haven’t actually researched their ratings. Well, if they are not rated as one of the best airlines, then they are definitely underrated. When I learned the other day that Frontier charges their customers for their FIRST carry-on bag, I wanted to vomit in disgust on the spot. JetBlue offered FREE TV the entire flight and unlimited snacks! Not just bags containing a grand total of two peanuts, but a basket containing of a selection of six plus varieties of goodies. So…moral of the story is fly JetBlue when you can. Yes. That is all for now.

Absurd Fitness Recommendations

I have a bone to pick with a certain Ms. (Mrs.?) Jillian Michaels. While researching fitness tips the other day, because that is what I do in my spare time, I came across those of Michaels. The majority of her "six ways to (FINALLY!) get a flat belly" seemed reasonable and doable- cut down your salt intake, do more planks, blah-dee-blah, nothing new. Then I came across a tip that made me want to reach through the computer screen and punch her pretentious face. Number 4: Eat The Right Foods. Okay, Jillian, that sounds like a great tip based on the title! Then, I read the blurb beneath it:

"First, let's get something straight; all processed foods need to go. Get rid of the potato chips, microwave dinners, and definitely put an end to those fast food fixes. The sodium, preservatives and sugars alone will help keep your belly looking bloated and defeat your efforts. Replace the junk food with whole, quality, organic foods that are packed with healthy nutrients, not preservatives. Then, work these three foods into your diet for maximum belly-fat burn."

After my eyes scanned the last word of that passage, anger began to boil inside me like it does in a hot tea kettle.

Telling the average Jane/Joe to completely do away with microwave dinners and all fast food is absolutely absurd. If Jillian and other health advocates WANT people to get healthier, they need to promote making little, beneficial changes that gradually lead to larger lifestyle changes. Telling Couch Potato Chris to magically chuck his microwave dinners and become a vegan who only eats raw, organic produce is completely unrealistic. Jillian telling people that ALL processed foods "need to go" is going to get through to about zero people, especially those with crunched schedules and no time to cook everything from scratch.

Sorry, Jillian, we don't ALL have an endless cash flow streaming in allowing us to dedicate our every waking moment to fitness and health. Shocking as it may seem, we don't have wallets bursting at the seams with bills yearning to be spent at Whole Foods on their overpriced organic fare. We also don't have seven hours a day to spend prepping and cooking every single meal like Amish housewives (well, except in the case of Amish housewives).

Organic- but it's a MICROWAVE meal, throw it out!!!! Quick, before it adds inches to your waistline!

It reminded me of a talk that I went to about a year ago focusing on heart health. Specifically, the doctor leading the information session told the audience to "only buy things with no nutritional facts label." As in, only buy fruits and veggies. Is she nuts? Even organic, cage-free, butt-wiped, free-range, pampered chicken meat has a nutrition label. Actually, maybe she wants people to buy crossbows and don camo prints to get out there and take down their prey as nature intended, Katniss from The Hunger Games style!

That is the kind of recommendation that has the complete opposite effect as that which is desired. When people hear that they need to do 45 minutes of intense cardio 6 days a week plus three days of strength training and that they can only eat organic, unprocessed foods, their spirits will completely sink. These insane recommendations only spark the thought "well, I can never do that much, it just doesn't fit into my schedule and is too difficult, I may as well continue my sedentary lifestyle."

I will NOT give up my popcorn! 

The idea should be just to promote making, as I said earlier, little lifestyle changes. Take the stairs, not the elevator. Park further away from the store in the parking garage. Try to eat two more servings of vegetables a day. Heck, even just one more! Find a workout you love and do it once or twice a week. Those are the kind of things that will make people think "hey, I can do that!"

And THAT's how you make progress in public health, Jillian Michaels...

I Would Not Do Well in the Arctic

Unless I could snuggle up with a polar bear, a breed of animal that isn't particularly known for its cuddliness (except in stuffed animal form). I realized last weekend that either every residential and commercial building and vehicle in the D.C./Virginia/Maryland/West Virginia area blasts its A/C to maintain an unreasonably low temperature, or I have an extremely low threshold for cold tolerance. I feel like it must be the latter, since no one else here seems to be bothered by the freezing cold indoor environments.

I would not do well...

There are myriad things about which I could complain here in Northern Virginia. Primarily, as a runner, the sidewalks here make no sense. Every sidewalk randomly ends sooner or later, much like the Shel Silverstein collection of poetry titled Where the Sidewalk Ends. Virginia, that's where, Shel. Also, no one makes eye contact on the metro unless it is to portray an angry death glare.

Okay, back to the internal temperature issue. It has gotten to the point where I am thrilled when I see a forecast predicting 90 degrees with high humidity. Hurrah! Air conditioning will finally make sense on those days! The worst part is just the grand juxtaposition between the temperature inside and outside in this part of the country. Outside, I would be fine on those toasty days in a nice skimpy sun dress, whereas inside I need to whip out my parka, snow pants and eskimo boots. Literally, a snowman would thrive in my office so long as he didn't venture outside. It would be the perfect place for Olaf from Frozen to hang out during the summer (for any of you who haven't seen that film if any of you still exist, Olaf is the snowman...).

There have been times during my work days where I literally go to the bathroom just to hold my hands under the hot water in the sink for a few minutes to bring some color back to their whitened flesh. My lips have actually turned blue from the freezing air in here. I feel like it is set to 60 degrees at most every place I go inside. People here are more wussy about the heat than they were in LA, and that is saying something.

My face in the freezing cold office, expressing sheer hypothermic shock

A particular example from last weekend occurred on a bus at Harper's Ferry transporting me and other visitors from the welcome center to the town along the river. The instant I stepped on the bus, a chill descended upon me and I began to shiver as my arm hairs stood on end. My thoughts solely revolved around the very real-seeming possibility that I would contract hypothermia before our arrival, making it impossible to focus on the information provided by the guide.

I guess it is just me, though! Maybe I need to pack on some additional pounds like many of the others in this part of the country to get a nice layer of insulation like a walrus.