Here's a joke:
How do you know a vegan is a vegan?
They'll TELL you.
Perfect example: a particularly obnoxious vegan in my life frequents the coffee shop where I work and without fail proclaims her dairy-free diet to the world. She orders the EXACT same drink every single time: a hemp-milk latte with one pump of sugar-free hazelnut. Even typing the name of that drink makes me cringe. It seems she doesn't feel her dreadlocks scream "notice me" enough, so she uses the dairy-free thing to compensate and soak up excess attention. The standard conversation with her plays out a bit like this:
Dreadlock girl: Hey, I'd like a medium hemp milk latte with one pump of sugar-free hazelnut
Me/whoever is unfortunate enough to be standing at the register: alright, anything else?
Dreadlock girl: that'll do it, but did I mention the hemp milk? It's really important.
Me/whoever: Yeah, got it.
Dreadlock girl: okay, because I just really can't do dairy!
What I would like to say but have to suppress: Wait, do you wanted whole milk in that right? Because your system just loves lactose?
Today she threw my coworker a curveball, however:
Dreadlock girl: hey can I get a horchata freeze but with hemp milk?
Coworker: sure, but the horchata powder has dairy, if that's a problem.
Dreadlock girl looking like someone whacked her in the face with a frying pan: Ohhh.... yeah, that's DEFINITELY a problem, I just CAN'T have dairy... which of the powders don't have dairy? Because I just CAN'T have it.
At that point, it was in everyone's best interest that I remove myself from the room and go hide in the back. Otherwise, the urge to make her a beverage with whole milk easily would have trumped my reason. Nothing would make me happier than to see obnoxious hemp milk dreadlock hippie chick bloating up like a balloon. Why on God's green earth would she ever think people would have the slightest interest in her dairy-free diet? I could list a good 5,000 plus things I care about more. Angelina Jolie's favorite breakfast food far surpasses the amount of interest I have in her God-forsaken hemp milk latte.
At least meat eaters don't go preaching their meat-eating diets to everyone. "Um, are you SURE this sandwich has bacon?!"
I'm not sure who ground my gears more over the past few days- her, or iguana man.
Nice transition Marisa!
Life lesson learned the other day: never volunteer for something if the job description is not clearly stated in the volunteer post. Otherwise you will end up the only person above age 16 among a sea of juvenile delinquents court-ordered to serve the community. For three hours of my life, I stood on a curb in a neon orange vest ensuring that only handicapped individuals parked in a specific lot for the Boulder Creek Festival. "Um, sorry miss, that leg doesn't look broken to me..."
Better yet, the charming 16-year-old delinquent began feeling a bit chatty and left his parking lot where he was stationed to come pass the time with me. It was hard to decide which was his most striking feature: his massive, neon green spike earring or the enormous iguana perched on his shoulder. Yeah, I'd go with the latter too. In about 30 minutes, I was lucky enough to learn about each reptile living in his basement along with their lifespans, dietary requirements and cost per week to maintain. As is characteristic of 16-year-old rebellious males, his diction was sprinkled with profanities. Nice way to spend a Sunday morning. Eventually, I just peaced out of there. Never again.
How do you know a vegan is a vegan?
They'll TELL you.
Perfect example: a particularly obnoxious vegan in my life frequents the coffee shop where I work and without fail proclaims her dairy-free diet to the world. She orders the EXACT same drink every single time: a hemp-milk latte with one pump of sugar-free hazelnut. Even typing the name of that drink makes me cringe. It seems she doesn't feel her dreadlocks scream "notice me" enough, so she uses the dairy-free thing to compensate and soak up excess attention. The standard conversation with her plays out a bit like this:
Dreadlock girl: Hey, I'd like a medium hemp milk latte with one pump of sugar-free hazelnut
Me/whoever is unfortunate enough to be standing at the register: alright, anything else?
Dreadlock girl: that'll do it, but did I mention the hemp milk? It's really important.
Me/whoever: Yeah, got it.
Dreadlock girl: okay, because I just really can't do dairy!
What I would like to say but have to suppress: Wait, do you wanted whole milk in that right? Because your system just loves lactose?
Today she threw my coworker a curveball, however:
Dreadlock girl: hey can I get a horchata freeze but with hemp milk?
Coworker: sure, but the horchata powder has dairy, if that's a problem.
Dreadlock girl looking like someone whacked her in the face with a frying pan: Ohhh.... yeah, that's DEFINITELY a problem, I just CAN'T have dairy... which of the powders don't have dairy? Because I just CAN'T have it.
At that point, it was in everyone's best interest that I remove myself from the room and go hide in the back. Otherwise, the urge to make her a beverage with whole milk easily would have trumped my reason. Nothing would make me happier than to see obnoxious hemp milk dreadlock hippie chick bloating up like a balloon. Why on God's green earth would she ever think people would have the slightest interest in her dairy-free diet? I could list a good 5,000 plus things I care about more. Angelina Jolie's favorite breakfast food far surpasses the amount of interest I have in her God-forsaken hemp milk latte.
At least meat eaters don't go preaching their meat-eating diets to everyone. "Um, are you SURE this sandwich has bacon?!"
I'm not sure who ground my gears more over the past few days- her, or iguana man.
Nice transition Marisa!
Life lesson learned the other day: never volunteer for something if the job description is not clearly stated in the volunteer post. Otherwise you will end up the only person above age 16 among a sea of juvenile delinquents court-ordered to serve the community. For three hours of my life, I stood on a curb in a neon orange vest ensuring that only handicapped individuals parked in a specific lot for the Boulder Creek Festival. "Um, sorry miss, that leg doesn't look broken to me..."
Better yet, the charming 16-year-old delinquent began feeling a bit chatty and left his parking lot where he was stationed to come pass the time with me. It was hard to decide which was his most striking feature: his massive, neon green spike earring or the enormous iguana perched on his shoulder. Yeah, I'd go with the latter too. In about 30 minutes, I was lucky enough to learn about each reptile living in his basement along with their lifespans, dietary requirements and cost per week to maintain. As is characteristic of 16-year-old rebellious males, his diction was sprinkled with profanities. Nice way to spend a Sunday morning. Eventually, I just peaced out of there. Never again.
 |
| Sorry dude, I just don't share your passion for iguanas |
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