I can't think of who would be interested in such a publication, but were InStyle or some other fashion magazine that hasn't gone under yet to chronicle the progression of my personal style, it would be entertaining at least to me. Well, since I can't think of a single fashion journalist who would willingly risk their budding career to chronicle this, I will do it myself.
The Early Years
As is the case with most children (except for emancipated five-year-olds or exceptionally independent toddlers), my first fashion choices were dictated by my parents, relatives, and family friends. As a baby, this often means borderline cruel outfits selected to give others a chuckle at the wearer's expense. The onesies with "witty" messages are the absolute worst: one particularly disturbing example is listed below.
Thankfully, our brains generally lack the development needed to store such potentially scarring memories, and therefore I do not remember being dressed in such garb despite a high chance that I was at least once. I wish I could say it gets better after the baby stage. A lot of this depends on if you are a younger sibling at the mercy of your older brother or sister's hand-me-downs. The worst, I imagine, would be being a girl with an older brother whose clothes you were forced to wear. As parents, that is just asking for your child to be a tomboy or a lesbian. Your fashion choices are still dictated until about the age of 10-15, depending on how overbearing your parents are. An easy way to learn about the parents of a kid is to look at what they are wearing. A passerby observing my childhood garb (wow, I just visualized a total creeper checking out a kid) would instantly have learned that my mother loved the color purple. From the moment I popped out until I realized there were more options to the visual light spectrum other than varying shades of violet, I was donned in purple leggings and purple shirts and dresses. My first pair of jeans in fifth grade were, you guessed it, a vibrant shade of indigo. I resembled a grape for many years of my life. At least I wasn't one of an identical twin with parents insisting on matching our every outfit.
Awkward Pre-Pre-Teen Phase
Eventually when kids go through the natural process of separating into cliques, they obtain the false impression that there are "cool" kids and "nerds" and try to change their wardrobes in order to be trendy and fit in. Although this could be considered as something that happens in teenage phase where kids finally have their own spending money, I contest that there is not so clear of a leap from the "parents choosing everything I wear" and being okay with that and the "I am going to choose my clothes now" phases. There is, in between, a phase where kids realize they look ridiculous and try to change that while still lacking the monetary power to do so. With me, that happened when I started hanging out with "Jessie," the cool girl in fifth grade who shopped at the overpriced kid's fashion boutique, Limited Too (is that place even around anymore?). Mom didn't cave, shockingly, when I asked for my Oshkosh wardrobe to be completely replaced by Limited Too wear, but she did humor me and let me get a couple of items.
Pre-Teen to Teen Phase
The misguided notion that we are judged by what we wear more deeply ingrains itself in the developing mind of the angsty adolescent. For me, makeup now came into the picture which meant hours of needless grooming and a shower before I would even consider going downstairs for breakfast. I have a sense that even if my house were ablaze, I would have stopped in the bathroom to line my eyes before making for the exit. During this phase, teens lose hours of each day primping, preening, and shopping in a desperate attempt to earn the approval of their current crush. I legitimately believed that this over-the-top morning ritual made me look better, whereas in reality it screamed "I am high maintenance!". This is also typically the time when girls experiment with different hair colors thanks to dyes being readily available in grocery stores. I wish someone had pointed out the horrifying, gothic affect that black hair had on my pasty face. Adolescents have slightly twisted perceptions of their appearances.
The Revolutionary Young Adult Phase
This stage occurs at different times for everyone, I think. I finally decided that rolling out of bed and lazily bumbling downstairs in my robe with hair sticking every which way was far more enjoyable than meticulously applying makeup and showering prior to chowing down. This then led to the realization that I could, in fact, go out in public with wet hair, or, even more eye-opening for me, with UNWASHED hair wearing sweatpants. WHAAAT? This revelation turned my world upside down (in a good way), and all of a sudden I found myself with hours upon hours of free time previously spent applying eyeliner and foundation. Just a hint- no one under the age of 30 needs foundation, no matter what marketing may say. This newfound feeling of fashion freedom, though liberating, can be dangerous as it sometimes leads to the next phase...
The I-Just-Don't-Care-Anymore Phase
Sometimes, the aforementioned phase gets a little out of hand and people start wearing their polka-dot sweats with rainbow tie-die T-shirts they handmade in college to board meetings, earning them a slot on that TLC show "What Not to Wear". It is even worse when the offender is a celebrity- that is sure to get the attention of the fashion police! I like to think it is not too difficult to dress sensibly, but of course, I have had my bad days as well.
See? Didn't that make a simply fascinating article? I thought so! I'm sure you were all just riveted...
The Early Years
As is the case with most children (except for emancipated five-year-olds or exceptionally independent toddlers), my first fashion choices were dictated by my parents, relatives, and family friends. As a baby, this often means borderline cruel outfits selected to give others a chuckle at the wearer's expense. The onesies with "witty" messages are the absolute worst: one particularly disturbing example is listed below.
 |
| I'm ready to call social services on this family |
Thankfully, our brains generally lack the development needed to store such potentially scarring memories, and therefore I do not remember being dressed in such garb despite a high chance that I was at least once. I wish I could say it gets better after the baby stage. A lot of this depends on if you are a younger sibling at the mercy of your older brother or sister's hand-me-downs. The worst, I imagine, would be being a girl with an older brother whose clothes you were forced to wear. As parents, that is just asking for your child to be a tomboy or a lesbian. Your fashion choices are still dictated until about the age of 10-15, depending on how overbearing your parents are. An easy way to learn about the parents of a kid is to look at what they are wearing. A passerby observing my childhood garb (wow, I just visualized a total creeper checking out a kid) would instantly have learned that my mother loved the color purple. From the moment I popped out until I realized there were more options to the visual light spectrum other than varying shades of violet, I was donned in purple leggings and purple shirts and dresses. My first pair of jeans in fifth grade were, you guessed it, a vibrant shade of indigo. I resembled a grape for many years of my life. At least I wasn't one of an identical twin with parents insisting on matching our every outfit.
 |
| Her face says it all about her sentiments regarding this getup... |
Awkward Pre-Pre-Teen Phase
Eventually when kids go through the natural process of separating into cliques, they obtain the false impression that there are "cool" kids and "nerds" and try to change their wardrobes in order to be trendy and fit in. Although this could be considered as something that happens in teenage phase where kids finally have their own spending money, I contest that there is not so clear of a leap from the "parents choosing everything I wear" and being okay with that and the "I am going to choose my clothes now" phases. There is, in between, a phase where kids realize they look ridiculous and try to change that while still lacking the monetary power to do so. With me, that happened when I started hanging out with "Jessie," the cool girl in fifth grade who shopped at the overpriced kid's fashion boutique, Limited Too (is that place even around anymore?). Mom didn't cave, shockingly, when I asked for my Oshkosh wardrobe to be completely replaced by Limited Too wear, but she did humor me and let me get a couple of items.
Pre-Teen to Teen Phase
The misguided notion that we are judged by what we wear more deeply ingrains itself in the developing mind of the angsty adolescent. For me, makeup now came into the picture which meant hours of needless grooming and a shower before I would even consider going downstairs for breakfast. I have a sense that even if my house were ablaze, I would have stopped in the bathroom to line my eyes before making for the exit. During this phase, teens lose hours of each day primping, preening, and shopping in a desperate attempt to earn the approval of their current crush. I legitimately believed that this over-the-top morning ritual made me look better, whereas in reality it screamed "I am high maintenance!". This is also typically the time when girls experiment with different hair colors thanks to dyes being readily available in grocery stores. I wish someone had pointed out the horrifying, gothic affect that black hair had on my pasty face. Adolescents have slightly twisted perceptions of their appearances.
 |
| I thought I looked like this..... |
 |
| In reality, this was more accurate. |
The Revolutionary Young Adult Phase
This stage occurs at different times for everyone, I think. I finally decided that rolling out of bed and lazily bumbling downstairs in my robe with hair sticking every which way was far more enjoyable than meticulously applying makeup and showering prior to chowing down. This then led to the realization that I could, in fact, go out in public with wet hair, or, even more eye-opening for me, with UNWASHED hair wearing sweatpants. WHAAAT? This revelation turned my world upside down (in a good way), and all of a sudden I found myself with hours upon hours of free time previously spent applying eyeliner and foundation. Just a hint- no one under the age of 30 needs foundation, no matter what marketing may say. This newfound feeling of fashion freedom, though liberating, can be dangerous as it sometimes leads to the next phase...
The I-Just-Don't-Care-Anymore Phase
Sometimes, the aforementioned phase gets a little out of hand and people start wearing their polka-dot sweats with rainbow tie-die T-shirts they handmade in college to board meetings, earning them a slot on that TLC show "What Not to Wear". It is even worse when the offender is a celebrity- that is sure to get the attention of the fashion police! I like to think it is not too difficult to dress sensibly, but of course, I have had my bad days as well.
 |
| I'm sure the fashion police were all over this one... |
See? Didn't that make a simply fascinating article? I thought so! I'm sure you were all just riveted...
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