Sunday, May 6, 2012

Bison for Sale

When you work in a place with a substantial amount of customers flitting in and out the doors, there are bound to be a few oddballs in the mix. However, the woman whom I am about to describe was not just an oddball. What she was, in fact, surpasses the ability of any adjective, try as it might, to describe.

My boss doled out a warning to my co-worker and I upon our arrival that there was a woman sitting in the corner who had slept outside the building and was now wandering around sparking very unwanted conversations with customers and interrupting conversations which had already sparked. He told us that she would likely try to talk to us as well, and would "speak to us all day if we let her". I could never have imagined the degree to which rang true.

The first rant of the crazy lady:
I swear that this woman had a sixth sense. The second there was a lull in business, she pounced from her seat in the corner and was at the counter, ready to impose on us her ideas in regards to, well, everything. The first of these many, many ideas which I was lucky enough to hear about was apparently planted in her brain from an ad she saw in the morning paper. It was an advertisement announcing "buffalo for sale", and she proceeded to drain fifteen minutes of my life filling me in on her desire to purchase those buffalo and start a farm. But do I know what she would do with the farm?, she asked. In retrospect, I should have said "yes" and walked away, but this was my first encounter with Crazy Lady, and I did not know any better. So after responding that no, I had no idea what her intentions and aspirations for her buffalo farm were, she told me that she wanted to use the buffalo to educate children about the majesty of the creatures. Okay, she does not sound too absurd yet. Then she showed me the ad, which was (if you haven't guessed it yet), for buffalo meat. She asked me if I knew what the numbers meant (the weights of the meat cuts one can purchase). Perhaps it was the measurements of the buffalos? And isn't it nice, she asked, that they are grain-fed? That must mean they are nice and healthy- perfect for displaying their majesty to the children.

The second rant of the crazy lady:
This one I will summarize briefly- she expressed her deep anger at the fact that "Bulgarian immigrants can recieve educational grants for 10,000 dollars when she is much more intelligent but has never been given a grant". Fascinating mental gems, no?

The third and most simultaneously frightening and entertaining rant:
For this one, you will need a bit of background information. There is a photographer, Tim, who displays and sells his pictures in the coffee shop. This weekend, he hosted a father-daughter art event, and his business cards were available around the store to those who wished to contact him. The most seasoned psychic could never have seen what was coming when Crazy Lady obtained one of the aforementioned business cards. She brought the card which displays some of Tim's photos up to the counter with ire in her eyes and informed us that one of the photos on the card was HERS and STOLEN by the photogropher! How dare he! We nodded and tried to brush off her insane comments, but they just got worse. She was convinced that the photographer was her long lost brother and was tracking her every move by bugging her cell phone, thus sabotaging her once prominent photography career. She would be calling her "brother" tomorrow to express that she would no longer STAND for this! I can only imagine the look of horror on his face if we told him this story.

I got to work at 8, and left at 1, and she was there the whole time, and likely long after. As horrific as it was at the time, at least it gave me something to write about.

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